Dear Crone,

A follow-up from last time.

I've been in casual relationships and found some nicer restaurants for myself.

The ex, however, is a bit of a drag.

I didn't give you all of the details of his fuckery.

HE married the woman he cheated on me with and is trying to tell me that I shouldn't be dating any other men.

Obviously I'm not letting them near my child 🙄.

But still the hypocrisy is maddening.

Thank you for your ears, Crone and Daniel!

Single Mom Dating

Dear SMD,

Oh darling, as shitty as the situation may make you feel, I almost envy the opportunity to witness in real-time a promoted side chick fuck around and find out.

You already know what he does when he’s unhappy.

This dumbass woman gets to enjoy her delusion a little while longer before the cycle repeats itself.

Birds chirp right before they slam into the window everyone else can see from a mile away.

As before, tell the ex to SMD, or find someone hotter and do it yourself.

Maniacally,

The Crone

Did somebody say canceled lesbians?

Well then look no further than Astrid Dahl, a floundering author desperate to save her career, who has begrudgingly returned to the writers’ group she founded while she waits for a miracle.

In the meantime, she’s distracting herself with Ivy, a local grad student, and Penelope, her neighbor.

Things are just starting to look up when Astrid gets word that a well-connected influencer wants to adapt one of her novels for TV, but with the pressure comes her usual vices, blackouts, and all the other things that got her in this mess in the first place!

Dear Crone,

After being inspired by a few different sources (yourself and your lovely vessel included), I went crazy this year and finally wrote the novel I've been talking about writing since I was 15.

In my haze of lunacy, I also booked myself tickets to a Romance Writers convention happening in Darwin, Australia this year in order to get some pitch meetings with Publishers and Agents.

I'm freaking out. I've never done a pitch meeting before.

Do you have any advice I can follow?

BeGentleItsMyFirstTime

Dear Gentle,

10/10 submission name, but now to the heart of the matter.

After a very brief bit of research, my recommendation is to actively target your publishers/agents.

See who’s going to be at the event and which ones will be most receptive to your take on the genre.

Ensure you have a bite-sized description of what you have written, and be prepared to answer questions regarding editing and rewriting. Plus, make sure you can describe your main audience as well!

I’d bring a physical print of the completed manuscript if possible; it’s better to have it on hand than to rely on being seen in someone’s email.

And make sure there’s a page that includes your contact info!

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Hi crone!!!!!

I just wanted to say, it happened a while ago but I FUCKING DID ITTT!

I acted normal and made him a little WFH lunch picnic (with fancy lemonade in wine glasses and everything!) we are still going strong, and I'm graduating after 5 years of uni in july!!!!

Thank you for your advice :)

We went to the garden centre last weekend!!

byeeee :)

LoverGirl5000

Dear LoverGirl5000,

I appreciate the skill with which you surprised him, and I am still very proud of recommending you keep your trap shut and prepare to deploy the flaps to keep him off balance.

I’m glad it worked out, but now that you have proved you can keep it undercover, you’re going to need to be even more conniving the next time.

I look forward to hearing your methods!

Laughingly,

The Crone

My darling Crone and Daniel,

I have a "friend" who recently really hurt me.

I've decided I want to end that friendship.

My question to you is if I should tell her why or go silently.

Disappearing makes me feel unsatisfied.

We haven't spoken since the incident a week ago, and she may well think we are ok, when we aren't.

I feel immature, but I guess I just want her to know she hurt me.

Regardless, I plan to block her when my commitments involving her end.

"Closure" always seemed like bs until now

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

What would her ideal response be?

Begging and pleading, a respectful acknowledgment, or something different?

Are these likely to happen, or is it going to be a fight?

Based on that assessment, I think a relatively silent drift apart is probably your best bet.

Given that you haven’t spoken for a week, I doubt she’s going to be particularly worried in any case.

If she does ask, you’re welcome to explain, but in my experience as a petty witch, you’re not going to get the response you wish for.

Honestly,

The Crone

Hi Crone!

To answer your question, yes, the relationship changes significantly.

They stop talking to me altogether.

I recently talked to one of her exes, and he told me that she “didn’t like how close we were and told me to stop talking to you”.

I asked her wtf was going on, and she called me a “jealous b*tch” and that I am “just pissed I can’t get a boyfriend” SO UM! YEAH!

Bye bye to that friendship.

Anyways, thank you for your help; I wouldn’t have confronted her without it.

Love,

Finally Free (nee Somehow the Third Wheel)

Dear Free,

I hope you feel validated, because that behavior is weird as fuck.

Don’t worry, male-centeredness tends to be its own form of karma.

Take the victory, and go be happy not dealing with that kind of nonsense.

You’ll be far better off than she, I promise.

Cacklingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

More of an update…The choice to have the talk about kids was taken from me about 7 hours after we got engaged when I was throwing up for the fiftieth time and both of us realised I was about a month late for my monthly agony…

The little stomach bug is due in 8 months, and the wedding is in 2👍

Also, you were right; his reaction was much better than the ex…he was okay with that oldest and noblest of traditions…murder🙂

Therapised Now Life is Insane

Dear Therapised,

To quote my second-favorite doctor, the correct response is always “Are we happy or are we exercising our right to choose?”

I’m glad you’re excited, and it looks like you already have a nickname for the little zygote… though “Bug” is probably cuter than “Stomach Bug,” I’ll leave it up to the factory to decide the default settings.

I’m proud that you faced your fears and that the outcome was so positive.

Love,

The Crone