Dear Crone,

Help, I’ve accidentally fallen pregnant with my husband (not a shadow daddy) due to having an allergic reaction to the infertility potion (the pill).

Should I use it as a major plot point from now on?

What should I expect?

Is my scent altered?

HarpyHaze

Dear HarpyHaze,

Honestly, life is one of the better STDs that you can end up catching.

At least we know everything is in working order!

Expect sleepless nights, general frustration, and a chance to undo the bullshit you went through during your childhood.

Your scent may have changed, but you’re glowing!… probably.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Um…so when I was 20 my ex and I had a conversation about kids (causal cause we weren’t that serious) and he said “You are not having kids, your cunt won’t be tight enough” (please note I broke up with him soon after cause eww) now I’m 22, me and my current man are serious and should prolly have that convo but…I’m scared…advise?

Therapised, now traumatised

Dear Therapised,

Very few write-ins make my jaw drop, but this certainly was one of them.

You made the right choice in dumping him, but I need to stress that that isn’t a normal reaction to this topic.

If you’re getting serious with this new man, you can simply ask, “Hey, what are your plans in terms of children?”

If his reaction is anything like the first dude, kill him leave him¹.

But I promise you, it will go better than last time.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My bf and I are having problems bc my mom is psychotic and threatens to kill people when she’s angry.

Also, I am very likely pregnant by my rapist, and he said he could handle that but is now trying to leave me bc "I’m too much."

I've woken up a million and a half times to him having mental breakdowns and been there every single time in every way I could.

I tried cutting my mom off but financially i just cant right now.

We are 16(him) and 18 (me) if that matters.

And now my bsf is causing problems

Betty Boop

Dear Betty Boop,

As nicely as possible, this situation is too much for anyone, much less a 16- and 18-year-old.

Of course he’s having breakdowns; this is optional for him, and, quite frankly, not something either of you should be dealing with, especially considering that you are financially dependent on a seriously unsafe individual.

Assuming you are pregnant and you have this child, you cannot rely on either of them, as one is also still a child, and the other is a lunatic.

This is something you must reconcile with in terms of how, or if, you are going to raise this baby.

I will not push you toward drastic decisions; that is not my place. I will operate on the assumption that you are keeping this baby, in which case your concern is not your boyfriend, who should leave, in my opinion, or bsf; it’s how you are going to feed, clothe, house, and keep your child safe.

This means job hunting, budgeting, and getting away from your mother.

It is not going to be easy. It’s also not the only option, but it has to be your decision, and you must consider the repercussions of any outcome.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I'm dating an incredible guy who loves me deeply, but I don't know how to tell if I love him.

I want to get married one day, and so does he, but my gut says he's not the right one.

He should be the perfect guy; he ticks all the boxes and has even considered moving back to my home country with me after we finish college.

I have a habit of running away from things and people when they get too close, so I can't tell if this is good instinct or fear telling me to leave him.

What should I do?

A romantic flight risk (apparently)

Dear RFR,

Honestly, is your gut instinct based on prior dating experience, or on an idealized notion from the internet?

I only ask because a soulmate isn’t found; they’re made.

It’s the person you want to work things out with. The person whose quirks are either endearing or tolerable, and whose positive traits vastly outstrip the negative.

That being said, if your gut says “no,” do not let this man move countries for you. That would be wrong on your part.

Speak to a professional, and consider what your biggest fear in these scenarios is, and has he given any indication that he would be part of them?

That’s a start, but only you’ll know if you’re repeating habits or actually worried about something.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I have just started my thousandth rough draft of a story and I showed it to a friend.

Context: my story is set in the 1890’s in a fictional place in Europe and it pulls from real word history.

Anyway, showed it to a friend and he immediately started poking holes in EVERYTHING.

I reread it and now I can’t tell if it’s actually garbage or if I’m being dramatic. (I have had a few other ppl read it and they liked it 🤷‍♀️🫩)

Cori G

Dear Cori G,

You’re being dramatic.

Don’t worry, every other writer on the planet is too, but you’re being dramatic.

What else do you call asking for feedback and then being upset there was feedback?²

Maybe your first draft is a disaster; maybe it’s near-flawless. Regardless, you’re going to write a second one, and it will be an improvement.

That’s the next part of the job.

Write the damn thing, and, honestly, thank your friend for dissecting it; that’s what you want!

Directly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Help.

My husband (who I love very dearly- he’s helped me find my pink again) is very protective over my peace.

Recently, a friend really can upset me, but I’m a doormat, so I’m over it- I just want everyone to get along again.

But my husband - bless him- can’t see past this friend making me cry.

He’s letting me fight my own battles, but he will drop a friend so fast if they disrespect me.

How do I help him reconnect with our friend?

Or do I just let him cut this person out?

Anon

Dear Anon,

I’m only on your husband’s side solely because you said you’re a doormat.

Dearie, you agree with your husband, but you’re refusing to stand up for yourself.

He’s making the right choice in letting you pick your battles, but I have to ask: did your friend apologize?

“Time heals all wounds” is a bullshit take. Motherfuckers should say “sorry.”

If they have apologized, you get to tell your husband that he shouldn’t be more bothered by something than you are, but he can still decide how or if to deal with this friend. Not your issue.

But if they haven’t made amends, the situation is still ongoing. That will be your first step: bringing it up again and asking for an apology.

From there, it’ll still be up to him how he deals with this friend. You will likely see them without him.

But that’s a completely acceptable outcome. No need to monitor other people’s relationships.

Flatly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Okay, so I’m back, and I got rejected by that boy in December.

Now I’m with a girl I’ve known since middle school, and we’re doing good (we’re really awkward but for being on the two week mark that’s fine).

But my sister goes to our school, and I don’t want her finding out about it.

That and my lack of dating history means I have no idea how to be a girlfriend AND hide it from certain people.

What do I do, and can I even possibly do it right?

Blonde Burnout

Dear Burnout,

Sorry to hear about the boy, but even rangers can flub a perception check.

I will say that if you’re looking to avoid being outed by your sister… maybe don’t date at that same school you both go to?

Truthfully, you’re not supposed to be hiding your romantic relationships from people; it’s not conducive to a successful dating life, and your partner will eventually tire of being a secret.

Of course, don’t be who you’re truly meant to be unless it’s safe for you to do so.

As it stands, you keep showing up for her. You’re learning, and you continue to be communicative and honest, and go from there.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Previously wrote in about ending my relationship of 8 years.

Almost a month post-breakup now.

I'm somehow sadder and less sad than I anticipated.

I had to move back in with my family, which feels like a step backward, but will help my savings.

Words of Cronely encouragement would be appreciated.

Changed Crane

Dear CC,

Your feelings are very normal; one can mourn a relationship while still recognizing it needed to end.

There’s never a situation where saving money is a step backward, truly. You are going to thank yourself for making the decision years from now, even if dealing with your lineage drives you up the wall.

I’m so excited to see what comes next for you, and you should be as well!

Love,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I recently went through a mutual break-up with my boyfriend, and I feel as though it is getting in the way of my friendships.

My ex is friends with my friends, so there are times that we're in groups together though we don't talk directly.

My friends have now told me that my actions make him and some of my friends feel like I'm trying to get him out of the group when that's not true.

How do I ensure that his insecurity and my friends' protection don't get me kicked out?

Saffie

Dear Saffie,

The truth is, you can’t control your friends or your ex.

All you can do is tell them that you’re not interested in kicking him out of the friend group, and see if they believe you.

What may help is actually talking to him when you guys are all together, as acting normal is the best way to prove that things are… well… normal.

But you’ll just need to see how they act.

Stay honest and upfront.

Encouragingly,

The Crone