Crone,

I went to Mardi Gras with two of my girlies and woke up in the middle of the night to them having incredibly loud sex 6 feet away.

One of them was allegedly straight before that, and I don’t know how to continue being friends with them, and I’ve known one for over 10 years.

What do I do?

They show no remorse.

New Whore-leans

Dear New,

I admit I don’t often get write-ins from people enduring unique experiences, but you’re certainly up there.

I understand that alcohol can be a massive factor in lowering inhibitions (it’s how I met my third husband), but forgoing privacy as grown women is certainly a choice.

Start with some time away, and I think I a direct “I want an apology for this behavior” is completely acceptable.

If they’re as remorseless as you claim, it’s your decision whether you never travel with the pair again or just never see them.

I think the way you’re leaning is understandable, and if you do end this friendship, I fully recognize why.

But just because you’ve written in, and in light of a 10-year relationship, I don’t think you’d be remiss to offer one last opportunity for them to apologize.

Those beads must have been making quite the racket.

Supportively,

The Crone

I had no idea this existed, but guess what I’m going to read when I finish The Blood of Olympus?

Grumpy and Sunshine descend into hell to fix the issues that their ancestors caused.

Following the events of The House of Hades, Bob, the Titan formally known as Iapetus, sacrificed himself to face his father, the primordial Tartarus.

Now, like every other time Nico di Angelo cleaned up Percy’s mess, he’s facing the birthplace of ancient evil to save his strange friend, with the help of Will Solace, son of Apollo.

Just ignore the fact that they’re technically first cousins once-removed.

In the vein of my childhood favorites, we have a spinoff to my beloved Fablehaven.

Seth and Kendra Sorenson thought they had handled everything: the keys to the demon prison, the Society of the Evening Star, their ascension to Shadow Charmer and Fairykind, respectively.

But of course, the magical world isn’t done with them.

The remnants of the Society have a new goal: the unleashing of the Dragon Sanctuaries. 7 preserves stand between ignorant humanity and the full might of the Dragon King’s hordes, and now Seth and Kendra are caretakers of one of them!

Welcome back to Wyrmroost.

Dear Wonderful and Omnipotent Crone and Daniel,

I have an older sister.

That in and of itself is not the problem.

No, the problem is that she’s in a toxic relationship with a cheating little turdnugget of a boyfriend.

He is not good to her- gaslighting, lying, love bombing, you name it.

She will come to me to rant or ask for advice, and I don’t know how to help her.

I know it kinda falls under the not my circus not my.

Any and all advice would be appreciated.

Thanks so much,

Possibly My Monkey

Dear Possibly,

You do what Daniel does: assume that your relationship is sturdy enough to be completely honest.

So you’ll ask: “Do you want a solution or are you just looking to complain?”

Let her decide.

If she says advice, you can then ask if she’s going to listen to it.

You can be direct with her, pointing out the pattern of behavior in complaining and doing nothing to fix her situation.

She’ll likely react defensively, but if you’re going to be blunt, hit the nail on the head.

Tell her how you see him, and let her decide what to do next.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I recently ended a 6 month relationship because I could see the writing on the walls.

She is not taking it well, and has been blocked on numerous platforms.. and is now settling to email me long messages blaming my trauma, and trying to bargain her way into another month or two of dating to work on things.

I've run out of polite ways to turn her down, and have went as far to block her email.

This is the 3rd breakup over time that feels like a stalker novel.

Why me?

Did everyone lose self-dignity?

Stalker Bait

Dear Bait,

There aren’t polite ways to turn down disrespectful behavior, and that’s exactly what she’s being.

Don’t engage with her, but if she approaches you, aim for the throat, groin, or eyes, tell her to fuck off.

“I don’t love you, I don’t want to be with you, leave me alone, or I’m going to pursue legal action.”

That is the only thing you say to her, and only if you see her in public.

In the meantime, you’re going to compile your records of everything and start looking into filing a restraining order.

That’s your focus, nothing else with her.

Bluntly,

The Crone

Dear Crone and Daniel,

4 years ago, I was in an emotionally abusive situationship.

I lost all of my spark since he didn't approve of my hobbies/academic focus/appearance.

It took months to mentally and physically recover.

I am now in a supportive long-term relationship with an incredible partner.

But I still have nightmares about the ex. The (unlikely) chance of seeing him at academic conferences terrifies me. I feel so guilty that he still occupies any space in my brain.

Will the fear ever go away?

Anxious Academic

Dear Anxious,

To start, I can confidently say the fear will slowly vanish, but more importantly, I want you to recognize that feeling is meant to protect you.

It will fade when you’ve convinced yourself that you will never end up in that situation again, and that will happen when you promise me you’ll ignore a man unwilling to give you the title of “girlfriend.”

Well done on your recovery. You now know what you need to watch out for.

Trust your judgement, and keep up your hobbies, appearance, and academics.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone and Daniel,

I've decided to end my relationship of 8 years.

He keeps his word with friends, but often breaks his promises to me, especially concerning our future.

He's hypercritical and hypersensitive.

His financial situation worsened recently.

I feel guilty, even though it's due to his procrastination.

I've covered many of his problems in silk, but I'm running out of feathers.

Despite my conclusion, I can't help but feel like an asshole for leaving.

Is there a way to minimize damage?

Crane Common Law Partner

Dear Crane,

To start, we’re going to reframe this.

While you certainly have a part to play, he’s also contributed to the damage in the relationship.

His broken promises, hypercriticism, hypersensitivity, and financial situation have done far more damage than your decision to end things.

Given that you have been together for 8 years, I am typically a proponent of couples therapy; however, I’m assuming there isn’t a ring involved, so… time to jump ship, dearie.

You’re doing a lot less damage than if you boil in resentment for another near-decade.

Honestly,

The Crone