Dear Crone,

Exactly how did you commit tax fraud, and do you have a guide and/or notes?

Alex

Dear TSA,

Nice try motherfuckers, you’ll have to do better than that.

Sincerely,

The Crone

Dear Crone/Daniel,

I need some help.

I have a friend who is just amazing.

They are hot, they are smart, and they are just amassing a huge harem of hot people they are fucking around with.

I am…none of those things.

I am kind of a shut-in, and I am not attractive, but I make up for it with some pretty decent cuddles and sex.

The problem is because my friend has such a large harem of simps I keep accidentally getting crushes on their simps.

I know they are bro code off limits, what do I do?

Enviously on the Sidelines

Dear Enviously,

I’m going to suggest that whatever you think is going on is probably less glamorous than the reality.

I’ll ask you: Do you enjoy being shut in?

There’s nothing wrong with introversion, but if you want to develop your own harem, it will require you stepping out of your comfort zone for a bit.

Simultaneously, if you dislike your looks, is there anything different you could try?

Whether that’s a workout routine, a different clothing style, or a makeup process, what’s the worst that could happen if you don’t like where you’re at?

The trick here isn’t to compare, it’s to assess what it is you want, and how best to get there, if you aren’t already.

Kindly,

The Crone

Dear Daniel and Crone,

I am 30 and have had ZERO luck in the dating department.

I've tried finding someone in RL, but it can be awkward when it comes to expressing my interest in dating.

I have only gone out with one dude and he ended up being a stalker.

I've tried dating apps but I have had very little luck and the few I matched with either ghosted me, were complete pervs or I just lose interest all together.

Do you have any advice for a desperately single person?

Please Help, Hapless in Heart.

Dear Hapless,

The trick to finding someone to date is to look among those who aren’t.

To be less obtuse, I’m once again talking about interest groups.

You’ll meet far more likely prospects in a mutually interesting environment than you will on a dating app.

What do you like, and what is the social version?

Don’t be afraid to take advantage of endorphins (run clubs!)

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’m in a wheelchair now. I asked my parents for help, they agreed, but said my recovery is a waste of their money. They insisted on being my caretakers for my last surgery.

They took my wheelchair and neck brace away the day of the surgery and made me walk for a week. It left me all but paralyzed and in a lot of pain they keep making my health worse.

How do I stop them and still afford treatment?

Also, an update on my career I recorded 2 albums.

One of the singles you’ll love is called Goddess of Smut

Jess Helltrain

Dear Jess,

The Crone and her council have decided that you need a doctor’s medical assessment and to consider pursuing legal action.

You can absolutely find pro bono support, and I cannot stress enough the need to get away from them, however possible.

I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling with this, but we are delighted to hear you are continuing to make music.

Keep us updated.

Love,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I need advice on how to deal with my trauma of being a parent to my parents and living with an alcoholic (my mom's husband) and how to deal with adhd.

Basically I have been psychologically abused and needed to grow up fast but now I am almost twenty and uni is kicking me in the ass but my parents, who always put me on a pedestal for being "smart and grown enough " to deal with everything on my own and now I don't know what to do, they didn't believe me when I told them I had anxiety and so on.

Maxi

Dear Maxi,

Unfortunately, your parents have proven you can’t rely on them. Which means you need to look elsewhere.

I would highly recommend looking into the resources available to you regarding professional help.

Additionally, I would speak with your advisors about taking a semester off if you think it would benefit you.

This must take into account your financial situation and educational goals.

As a young adult, your focus is now on yourself, not what your parents think.

Gently,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How to stay motivated to write my book.

I feel like I’m alone but I have a writing account.

I make posts as well on it, but I don’t know.

I have been trying to stay consistent and write for a month straight, but I also don’t know why it’s so difficult to do so- I literally cried this morning about it.

Yea!

Lala

Dear Lala,

There’s a difference between self-commitment and self-pressure.

Do you have a concrete daily writing goal, or are you just stressing yourself out with an ephemeral drive to write?

If it’s the latter, give yourself the benefit of flexibility.

A sentence is better than a blank page.

A paragraph is better than a sentence.

And so on.

Treat it like a gym session.

A quick workout is better than nothing, and if all you can do one day is a few lines, you hit your goal.

Emphatically,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I'm an agented author, responding to the letter about quitting the day job to finish a novel.

DO NOT DO THIS.

If the letter writer is intending to pursue traditional publishing, that's a two-year process, on average... AFTER they get an agent.

And the vast majority of authors do NOT make enough from writing to support themselves.

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

All we can say is I hope Golden Child sees this.

I’m a firm believer that a dream is never out of reach; you may just need to change the path you take to get it.

That being said, you’re also responsible for ensuring you can pursue that path.

Thanks for taking the time, Anon!

Love,

The Crone

Dearest Crone and Vessel,

I read this letter and wondered if I might be on the other side of a similar situation.

Around the same time, I canceled motorcycle training with a male friend after a shoulder injury.

I explained the safety concerns but said I still wanted coffee or another low-energy activity.

He declined, and communication dropped off afterward.

Can people hear "I can't do the activity" as "I don't want to see you"?

How often does misunderstanding become rejection?

Gratefully,

Anon

Dear Anon,

I’ve found that people can hear whatever they want, regardless of what comes out of the other’s mouth.

That being said, I think you did everything you had to.

You were communicative, straightforward, and attempted to reschedule.

Maybe he lost interest, maybe he was offended, maybe he was a secret third thing.

Your hands are clean.

You could try to reach out again, but that’s entirely up to you.

Simply,

The Crone

Hello wise and illustrious Crone,

Your response was the kick I needed to actually start going to ✨️therapy✨️.

After nearly a year, I'm happy to report that I'm significantly more at peace with my very happy relationship, working through the religious trauma, and actually have and am enforcing boundaries with how I let my family make me feel.

Gratefully,

Ring-less Wraith (see March, 2025)

Dear Wraith,

That’s absolutely fabulous.

We greatly appreciate taking the time to inform us of your progress.

Acceptance and gratitude are always the key to happiness.

We’re glad you got there!

Love,

The Crone