Welcome to The Valthakan Times
Write-In of the Week
Dearest Crone and Daniel,
I just wanted to send a little "thank you for existing" message <3 I've had a shitty day, and you two made me laugh, so thank you :)
I hope you're having a good day when you read this, and if not, I hope it gets better soon.
Sending love and good vibes xxx
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
It’s always a good day when there are people like you sharing your happiness so freely.
These kinds of messages are such a gift, and they’re the exact reason we do what we do.
May all your days be as happy as you make us.
Love,
The Crone
Table of Contents
If You’re Reading This, I’m Hoping I’m Already Hungover
Greetings {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}, celebrants, recalcitrants, worshippers, heretics, and anyone else having a lovely day…
WE MADE IT!
27 and 3,017— both of us as fresh-faced as if we just started our 20s.
It’s been a fantastic year beside you all, and, as always, I’m so excited to see what comes next!
An Update to Our Deep Dives
If you’re reading this, I’m proud to announce that Hot People With Fangs and Other Fantasies just went live for all viewers on YouTube.
With the blessings of The Library Discord, our community-driven Deep Dives will be dropping the week after they’re released to our Eldritch members, and our backlog will be publishing new videos weekly starting Friday.
If you’d like to help pick the topic, receive our videos early, ad-free, and get exclusive access to our short stories—narrated by the Crone herself—check out how to join our Eldritch membership… and keep reading for some more info!
Older and Wiser Life Updates
Birthday Bash — The world is our oyster today, and, if you’d like to buy us a drink, we will toast in your honor!
Supporter Wall — We’re all caught up! There are more of you out there, so hurry up and let us know!
Fitness Journey — Week 17 is a wrap! 3 times in the gym, and now, on May 18th, we start our 18th(ish) consecutive week of working out! We’re feeling fresh and fine, and we're planning to wear what amounts to just dental floss in the summer!
Roast Royale Finale — We’re here, everyone! Keep reading below for our final entrants in The Roast of Daniel Alexander, and make sure you cast your vote for your favorite!
The Latest Word From the Crone and Daniel
Fricked Folklore — Our favorite magical entities and their best (and worst) pop culture incarnations. In the midst of our Deep Dive changes, this will be dropping on YouTube on June 5th.
An Involuntary Fae-cation — There’s a bomb at the center of the village square… who the fuck builds a community there? Naturally, the Crone blames the Fae.
Upcoming YouTube Drops — Crack Me Open… With Questions OML! and Does That Make IT a Wizard or an Engineer? | Magitechnically goes live on YouTube on May 22nd and May 29th, respectively.
Thank you to everyone who wrote in this week, to everyone who took a shot at Daniel and his family, and to our beloved supporters who are the reason why we do this.
Happy Birthday to me!
Enjoy!
Love,
Daniel and the Crone
A Letter From the Author
It has been over 5 years since we began this content creation journey, and whenever my birthday rolls around, I have to get a bit sappy.
The kindness we have found online—in our comment sections, our DMs, and, of course, on Discord—has helped heal many of my issues.
In being myself, proudly, loudly, and snarkily, I never expected to connect with people across 70+ countries, nor did I think I would be able to have a positive impact on their lives.
I was insane, quite frankly, to pursue this. The idea of leaving a Master’s degree in an engineering field after moving countries was enough to knock me down the “Favorite Child” list my family keeps… which is crazy because my father only has two children1.
But, among the random strangers who have approached me on the street, the individuals who showed up to convention Meet & Greets, and the genuine friends I have made through this work, I can’t say I have any regrets besides not trusting myself sooner.
I love doing this, I love writing, and content creation, and staying up until 3am editing videos that I absolutely swore I wasn’t going to procrastinate on.
Needless to say, I’m fucking proud, and I have a few very special people I need to thank directly.
To Erry, our Discord moderator, without whom I would not have been able to build such a close-knit, functioning community.
To my sister, Ariella, who was, quite frankly, a guiding light in some very dark times. The thing I am most proud of is being your younger brother. I know I can handle the future so long as you’re there. Thank you for inspiring so much of my content. I love you dearly. Even if you are pre-programmed to inflict psychic damage. Twat.
To my Vancouverite hivemind: Dani, Jeremy, Baruch, and Eli, my cardinal points who seem intent on saving my soul, for some reason. My favorite place is at your table, especially when you’re cooking.
To Aleisa, whose presence in my life has been a blessing, and who treats making me laugh like it's her job. Anyone who can meet my family and remain my friend is worth their weight in diamonds.
To Mika, the aunt of my favorite nephew, and the only person I know who rightfully considers “reading in silence with a glass of wine” to be a perfectly acceptable form of socializing. Thank god.
To April, who has never made anyone feel anything but welcome, and whose levelheaded patience warrants sanctification if I were empowered to do that sort of thing.
And to my parents, who were greeted with a personality and talent they had no idea existed, and have been nothing but proud and supportive since.
If you’re reading this, I want you to remember, simply, that it gets better.
I love you all.
Sincerely,
Daniel
Obviously, We Have Party Favors
Last year, I was absolutely stunned at the number of readers, followers, and subscribers who offered their birthday wishes.
The gifts you sent were put to very good use, and I cannot express my gratitude enough. What I can do is promise I will keep delivering the content you resonate with so much.
In that regard, for today only, we wanted to offer 27% off our Eldritch membership for 3 months, because if you’re going to be generous, we want you to get something in return for your trouble.
Of course, if you would prefer tucking some bills in our proverbial g-string, we will accept that with a gracious “thank you” and your preferred pole maneuver.
However you’re helping us celebrate, thank you for being here with us.
Romance
Love? Right in Front of My Birthday Dinner?
Dear Crone,
So at my work theres a guy i like and ive made it clear to my coworkers im friends with that i like him but theres this one girl, flower, she said he was fugly and nasty and all that, after i said i liked him she started talking with him and flirting and now claims shes always liked him even though she had very vocally said shed hated his looks.
She only got close to him when I said I liked him, and now I'm noticing her doing it with others.
What do I do?
She’s one of my first friends.
Help plz.
Willian
Dear Willian,
She was not one of your first friends; she was nice to you until she wanted something.
You establish boundaries.
What does that look like?
Rather simple:
Conversations are noncommittal and generic.
You do not hang out with her.
The only time you interact is to discuss work.
If she attempts to address this, you have two options.
Tell her everything is fine, and continue doing what you’re doing. I recommend this one only because she’d deny any attempt to address the inconsistency in her behavior.
Say it to her face. Her insulting remarks about a guy you had a crush on, compared to her behavior toward him, are rather off-putting. That being said, don’t expect it to go down well.
Find other people to be friends with. Preferably, those who are honest about their types and have one different from yours.
Directly,
The Crone
Read the previous question in Edition #107: Gods (Worldbuilding), I Love Buying in Bulk
Dear Crone,
Hey, it’s me again lol
So I definitely didn't get a chance to take ur advise bc he messaged me asking what is going on with us, then started saying that he thinks that I regret Christmas fling, definitely don't, I told him so, ½ hour convo later I sent a message basically pouring my heart out to him.
I have been on read for 2 days now.
He's still sending reels in our group chat, so I know he's fine, but he won’t say anything to me.
I feel like, at this point, I just have to get over it.
How do i do that?
Ava
Dear Ava,
You can follow up, if your pride can take it—technically, he did the same thing. But this is why I said don’t coordinate your move around this.
Perhaps you can start by planning your life in a different direction?
Honestly, it would be hilarious to mention in the group chat that you’re looking into moving somewhere else and see his response, but that’s the petty part of me talking.
You move on by focusing on the other important parts of your life: college, post-college, and how much partying you can get away with without missing classes or too much sleep.
Honestly,
The Crone
Life Advice
Problem solving is the healthiest thing!…
Dear Crone,
How to deal with the loss of a long-term friendship when you realize they have been abusing you
Jules
Hey Jules,
I hope you’re okay with me handling this question. Normally, the Crone would weigh in, but she’ll forgive me.
I’m here because, well, you’re preaching to the choir.
The solution is therapy, recognizing that you did not deserve it, training yourself to believe that, and ultimately finding new friends.
All of that is easier said than done, but it’s an active process.
Give yourself the grace to stick to it, and do not rationalize their behavior.
Encouragingly,
Daniel
Dear Crone,
I was injured in the line of duty, resulting in my being disabled.
My body hurts all the time.
I still have the desire to work out, but I pay for it for DAYS when I do.
How can I learn how to pace myself better and actually listen to my body when I was conditioned to ignore it for so long?
How can I be kinder to myself about this and the weight I have gained?
Minxie
Dear Minxie,
Patience isn’t a virtue. It’s a fucking bitch.
That being said, you must keep in mind why you’re going slowly when the part of you that wants to push yourself rears its head.
Being kinder to yourself goes hand-in-hand with this. It’s about respecting the condition your body is in; that is a kindness, and you must couple that with the fact that anything you do, no matter how small, is better than the sedentariness you have to deal with when you’re in too much pain to move.
Lastly, I fully understand the positive impact that weight loss can have, but just because you have not completed that journey does not mean you have to be mad at yourself for that fact.
You can be kind to yourself and disciplined. You can respect yourself, even if you aren’t where you want to be fitness-wise.
The time will pass anyway, and you will not regret going slowly if it means you rebuild your strength. In that vein, while I’m not 100% sure you are in the US, I found some PT services that should be available to veterans.
Gently,
The Crone
From the Cauldron
Technically, jungle juice is a potion…
Exaughted Crone & Dearest Daniel,
I am delighted to inform you both that I have started a new career as a tattoo artist.
Both luck and spite have aligned in such a manner to give me this opportunity.
Please feel free to reach out if you find yourself on the New England Coast, and desire an ink-washed therapy session.
You both have delighted and have encouraged me on a number of occasions.
I would be honored to adorn thine vessel with mine craft.
Most sincerely,
Newly Appointed Derma Scribe, Snoots VonSnips
Dear Snoots VonSnips, DS
Luck and spite are often the precursors to gratitude, and we’re so thankful you took the opportunity to keep us informed!
I’ve been debating various tramp stamp options for a while, but the goal is to get the vessel in on it in a way that won’t get him cut out of the will.
While we work on that, we hope to continue to delight and amaze!
Love,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
This is response to the comment about needing a recipe for salmon than a plea for advice.
If you marinate your salmon overnight in a good teriyaki sauce and then pan fry it with a little more teriyaki and serve over broccoli and some rice with soy sauce, I’ve always liked how that comes out.
Hope that’s tasty for you!
Fishy Dishy
Dear Fishy Dishy,
Sounds incredible, easy, and like something my vessel can probably cheat out an easier version with an air fryer.
Until I can get him to shapeshift into a bear and hunt for salmon directly, this will more than suffice.
Thankfully,
The Crone
The Roast Royale
Welcome to the finals!
Below you will find our extensively vetted, highly refined, largely hurtful top roasters and the remarks that earned them their spots.
Vote for your favorites, and keep an eye out on our other platforms for our top three winners!
Voting closes at 6pm today, so if you have a favorite, make sure we know!
A very special shoutout to the winners of our tiebreaker and bonus rounds: Martius, Momma K, and stunningly Empress, who swept two of them, leaving us with a top 6! Well done!
And now… in no particular order…
Well the first child didn’t fix our marriage, but surely a second one will, right? And if not, at least they’ll have each other in therapy!
You have the hair of a well-oiled mushroom
You’re a top, a Cancer moon, and you keep reinstalling Grindr. Love isn’t blind, love is mentally ill
Darling, you can ride a pole anytime. But learning to dance with one is an art.
Ah, yes. We’ve all made mistakes. Some of us, twice! Lovely children though. Truly.
Daniel made the Crone because he knew he could sister better to himself.
Another reread of spear man discovering mental health, Daniel? You’re paying for a lot of therapy that clearly is not working.
Cast Your Vote!
1 That we know of
