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Welcome to The Valthakan Times
Write-In of the Week
Beloved Crone and Brusque Daniel,
Not a question but a voice of support for the person that wrote in about publishing their grimdark novel.
PLEASE, Is-It-Too-Much-To-Ask, drop the title!
If no one else says it, WE'RE proud of you.
Shouting Support From Afar
Dear Shouting,
Good news, we have the novel name!
The Hand of Fate by Nicole Swartz drops May 20th, and I have received word that there is at least one hot guy with fangs!
We’re still waiting on the link, but it’s in progress!
Cackling-ly,
The Crone
Table of Contents
Low and Slow
Howdy {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}, slammed clams, couch potatoes, steaks, and/or shakes…
The week has gone quickly, and the roasts have started flying. Of course, that’s not the only thing you need to keep up with, so, in case you missed it.
Hey Crone, What’s New?
An Involuntary Fae-cation — A planet on lockdown, the Fae nowhere to be found, and a young woman’s explosive problems all come together to make the Crone’s evening just a bit more complicated before the autumnal equinox.
Magitechnically — A Deep Dive into the worldbuilding behind magic systems and how they can inform technological development. Keep an eye out for next Monday, as we’re introducing a change in how we run them!
Oh, Daniel, You’re Here Too?
Birthday Roasts — As promised, the gauntlet has been thrown, and you have delivered. Thank you to the voters throughout the week. Keep reading to pick some more of your favorite roasts, and if you’d like to take a crack at Daniel & Co., submit here. The top roasters, chosen on May 18th, will receive merchandise and membership rewards!
Supporter Wall — Everybody say “heyyy” to Bee G., our latest PayPal donor to be added to our site! Thank you so much for your generous support. It all goes to therapy bills, caffeine, and that boudoir photoshoot budget everyone was talking about.
Contact Form — Due to issues with spam messages via the contact form, it has been removed from both the Home and Creator pages of the site. We are still available via email at [email protected].
Fitness Journey — It’s the end of week 16, and we nailed 3 visits to the gym without injury, strain, or excessive fast food. That being said, I want to wade into a lake and scarf a salmon directly from the source. If you have good salmon or tuna recipes, we’d love to see them!
The Good Kind of Tweeting — A huge shoutout to the National Audubon Society, the sponsor of today’s edition. Check them out to keep up to date on avian conservation efforts, research, and your local flying neighbors!
Thank you to everyone who wrote in this week, and to our roasters for having fun with us.
Enjoy!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel
Want to help Daniel prove he’s the superior sibling?
Protection for Birds, a Gift for You
Snowy Owl. Photo: Grant Eldridge/Audubon Photography Awards
Since 1970, we have lost 3 billion birds in North America. Birds like the Snowy Owl are at increasing risk of extinction due to climate change. Birds are vital to healthy ecosystems - and their decline affects us all.
With over a century of conservation expertise, the National Audubon Society knows what it takes to protect the birds we love. And with your support today, we can.
Join us in protecting birds with a dependable, annual gift and we’ll send you our quarterly, award-winning magazine every year as our thanks.
Daniel’s Current Read
It’s inevitable that I was going to do a Stormlight Archive reread, and now I have the Discord joining us on this journey.
Five books.
5000+ pages.
Crab apocalypse and mental health issues.
Forgiveness, failure, and self-reflection.
Who’s in?
Daniel’s Only SLIGHTLY Burned
We’ve had some wonderful roasts so far, but I’m looking for more! After the first three rounds, I’m pleased to say that across Facebook, TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, and Patreon polls, nearly every competitor took the lead in at least one of them, but there were a few standouts.
Round 1
Erecurra swept Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube, and split the vote with Audio on TikTok. Audio took the Patreon poll as well!
Well the first child didn’t fix our marriage, but surely a second one will, right? And if not, at least they’ll have each other in therapy!
Round 2
We have a TIE! Martius took Instagram, Awritingme landed TikTok, and the pair split the Facebook poll! Crimsonswolf and Jaime won YouTube and Patreon, respectively, and now we need you as a tiebreaker!
You have the hair of a well-oiled mushroom
At least she knows where Canada is, right? Right?
My favorite roast was...
Round 3
Clover absolutely annihilated the third round, sweeping Facebook, TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube. Empress put up a fight on Patreon and managed to take the poll there!
You’re a top, a Cancer moon, and you keep reinstalling Grindr. Love isn’t blind, love is mentally ill
Bonus Round
The winners of the three rounds above will move on to the final round on May 18th, but we have a few more roasts for you to vote on, organized by category. Some of them are names you’ve already seen, so let’s see if they’re worthy of claiming a place in the finale!
Give Daniel Your Best Shot
You look like you like golf
If every queer disaster case on earth did the Dragonball fusion dance, they’d only barely exceed the dumpster fire that is your life trajectory <3
Darling, you can ride a pole anytime. But learning to dance with one is an art.
Fuck It! Let His Parents Have a Piece of Your Mind!
You need to thank whoever raised your children. Because it certainly wasn’t you.
Ah, yes. We’ve all made mistakes. Some of us, twice! Lovely children though. Truly.
The fact that they managed to "raise" two moderately competent adults is a testament to the sheer luck and plot armor required to make Daniel and the Crone meet
Sideswipe His Sister On the Way Out
Daniel made the Crone, because he knew he could sister better to himself.
Imagine being 5’2”
I don't think a roast can be created that will exceed the insult that is her existence
We’re going to keep sharing more polls on our various platforms as the roasts arrive!
Want to participate?
Dear Crone
The Good Word!
Hello Crone!
My husband and I are both the youngest of 4 children in our respective families.
We have been married for almost 4 years and, heartbreakingly, have not been successful in starting a family.
For many reasons, we are looking for a change.
We are contemplating a cross-country move, and have done extensive research and done some scouting trips already.
My family thinks we are crazy to move away from their support.
How can I convince them this is the best decision for us?
Babies Flying the Nest
Dear BFN,
You don’t have to. You just prove that you’ve made the right choice by moving and handling your life.
Your family is coming from a good place; they’re used to being nearby in case of problems.
But, as you say, you’re both adults, you’ve been married for 4 years.
It’s up to you guys.
That’s it.
Go take this next step, see how it goes, and deal with whatever comes up.
Directly,
The Crone
Read the previous question in Edition #107: Gods (Worldbuilding), I Love Buying in Bulk
Dear Crone,
The Barista I’ve had a crush on for several months has asked me out three times and all three times has stood me up, then texts and apologizes and promises to not do it again.
I may be new to being gay, but I’m not new to being alive.
Should I block her or confront her next time she asks me out?
Cafe Crush
Dear CC,
Okay, what are we hoping to achieve here?
If it’s a date, you tell her what time to meet you, and barring the moon falling out of the sky, she’s either supposed to show up or not bother contacting you again.
If it’s just sex, you can interchange the location and timing of the above message to get your interest across.
Obviously, you can give the benefit of the doubt, but… three times? Really?
I have no doubt she’s hot enough, but set the terms and have the pride to tell her she’s SOL if this happens again.
Generously,
The Crone
Hi Crone and Daniel!
I am moving out with my boyfriend very soon into our very first apartment, yay!
That being said, my mother is not handling it well.
She says it to my face and acts like I'm abandoning her.
I swear it's like she thinks I'm dying.
I'm 25, and I stayed home for school.
I've been working the same full-time job for four years, and I'm ready for it.
Is there anything I can do to calm her down?
She's stressing me out
Bass Girl
Dear Bass Girl,
These are the conversations that you do not engage with.
It’s not your job to calm her down, as she’s a grown woman who is fully capable of being on her own… as she was prior to your birth.
She can get worked up, just keep packing. This is a manipulation tactic, and not a particularly effective one if you know how to handle it.
She’s going to get worse; she’s going to get more upset. You’re the adult who's moving out, and you can commit to your decision.
Honestly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I dated a guy briefly and we really connected.
He just finished his postgrad and is looking for his next step.
I wanted casual, and he said he liked me too much; we parted on good terms.
I've been missing him more than I thought, and I'm thinking about messaging to revisit that.
I'm scared that I'm lying to myself about missing him (do I just want attention?), and his future, ie, finding a place closer to his own detriment.
I can't move for 3 years.
Should I let him go?
lillianF
Dear lillianF,
I have the ethical and the unethical answer. Let’s start with the “morally upright” idea first.
You’re bored. You want attention. You know he delivers.
Leave the poor man alone. I highly, highly doubt you’ve suddenly developed an interest in a committed relationship.
That being said.
You could hit him up and try to smash, and if he gets all “madly in love” with you… That’s his problem.
I’m not saying it’s gonna end beautifully, but you may orgasm before it does.
Problematically,
The Crone
Hey Crone!
Good news, just finished my freshman year of college! Bad news, my roommate has bailed on me.
We've gotten along super well this year and were planning on being roommates again next year.
On the last day of classes, she dropped the bomb that she'll be moving to a different, cheaper dorm next year due to money issues.
I understand her situation, but I can't help but be so angry.
I'm really introverted, and she's one of the only people I'm close with on campus.
How do I move forward?
Spiraling Roommate
Dear Spiraling Roommate,
Your anger is justified, but roommate stories are a part of the college experience.
You can be pissed at her, but be pissed while looking to the future.
Make sure your roommate situation is handled—you have a place, you can afford it, and you’re sharing the space (if necessary) with people who have similar ideals regarding cleanliness.
From there, consider how you became friends with her, and just repeat those steps.
Especially during your first two years, everyone is shy and looking to make new friends, so don’t overthink it.
Start with conversations with people in class, check out the Discord study groups, and just stay open-minded.
You can remain friends with her, too, but don’t trap yourself into the idea that you’ve run into an upper limit for your friend-making capacity.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
