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Welcome to The Valthakan Times
Write-In of the Week
Dear Crone,
I want to go through a “ho phase”, but when I think about random people touching me, I get the ick.
Tell me, how do I get into a situationship?
Fable
Dear Fable,
If you don’t want people touching you, you’re not ready for this.
There’s no need to force it.
A situationship happens at the crossroads of touch-starved and commitment issues.
You gotta get there first.
Honestly,
The Crone
Table of Contents
Swear Not by the Moon…
Hi {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}, astronomers, astrophysicists, and Aries… cause you’re all a fun time…
It’s not often you get a Tuesday edition, so let’s make the most of it.
Some New Constellations (and Posts)…
Dragon Riding? Sure, Let's Call It That... — Some delays (we’ll blame Daniel) but all wrapped up now. Check out the Crone’s latest dealings with the drakin. Remember, it’s heresy, not murder.
Deep Dive with Daniel Alexander — Our official Eldritch tier Q&A! Check out the trailer below (so long as you aren’t Daniel’s dad).
Heads Up!
Supporter Wall — Everyone give a warm welcome (and thank you) to Esteria! Join today and get access to exclusive bonus videos, stories, and the Discord!
Fitness Journey — To those concerned, I’m now starting my fitness regimen with leg day, because otherwise I’m going to come up with excuses. Consider this my accountability statement. I still hate Bulgarian split squats.
Surveys — There was a formatting issue with some of our published surveys that made them damn near impossible to read. Our apologies for that. Everything should be up and running properly again!
Thank you to everyone who wrote in this week.
Enjoy!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel
Want more shenanigans, stories, and tax evasion (allegedly)?
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a newsletter.
Yeah. That Arnold Schwarzenegger.
So do Codie Sanchez, Scott Galloway, Colin & Samir, Shaan Puri, and Jay Shetty. And none of them are doing it for fun. They're doing it because a list you own compounds in ways that social media never will.
beehiiv is where they built it. You can start yours for 30% off your first 3 months with code PLATFORM30. Start building today.
Daniel’s Current Read
We have some speed demons over in The Library, and while many of us have already finished Project Hail Mary, I’m still limping along.
You already know its premise, which, especially if you’ve seen the movie, I can best describe as “getting emotionally fucked by Dr. Grace’s massive rock.”
A beautiful exploration into how science and desperation can unite species, and how the greatest threat to humanity can also be its sole hope.
$10 if you can explain this novel to a flat earther and get them to finish it.
Seriously, Dad, keep scrolling!
If you’re not Daniel’s dad, watch the full video
Roastee of the Week: Daniel
You may be wondering: why am I roasting myself this Spring afternoon?
Well, have you ever heard the expression “don’t play chess with a pigeon?”
I have a new one: don’t try to explain the methods section of a research paper to a flat earther.
“Treat these people like they have a TBI,” my therapist recommends. A life-saving tool to deal with specific corners of the internet, and yet, I recently found I threw away my life jacket, grabbed a cinderblock, and jumped off the boat.
And it’s my fault.
Did I genuinely think I could convince a flat-earther that we have been to the moon?
No.
But did I expect the argument to be “you haven’t directly performed every experiment, therefore you’re a religious zealot?”
Absolutely fucking not.
When I questioned if the man didn’t take medication without being an MD, obviously, he said that was absurd.
And I continued to talk to him.
Highlights of this conversation include:
FE: “These are nameless scientists whose work you’re regurgitating; you haven’t verified their data.”
Daniel: “First of all, NASA employees are public information; you can literally see which scientists worked on which mission. Judith Love Cohen designed the Apollo 13 Abort-Guidance System while giving birth to Jack Black.”
FE: “You still don’t know these people or their agendas.”
Daniel: “I have personally met Buzz Aldrin… and I can understand their methods.”
Imagine how long it took for me to realize this person doesn’t know what a methods section is.
Eventually, he accused me of being a bot, running multiple Instagram pages, and called the individual who literally worked on a retroreflector project a liar.
It’s my fault… truly. If only because Instagram doesn’t pay me, so the interactions were worthless.
Luckily, I somewhat learned my lesson, as the guy who claimed the space race was a part of an ongoing spiritual war didn’t get a rise out of me… at least, publicly.
A very special thank you to the physics majors who leaped to my defense. I owe you all a drink in zero g. And a very special apology to the guy who was earnestly helping, and who I convinced the FE was my burner account. Sorry buddy.
One day, I’m going to be online and be at peace at the same time.
I swear it.
Dear Crone
Hark, seeker…
Hiya Crone,
I’ve been married for 6 years and haven’t had sex in 3.
My cooter has cobwebs.
We spend a decent amount of quality and quantity time.
What should I do to clear these cobwebs away for spring?
Any advice would be appreciated.
Btw love your work
Cobwebs Beware
Dear Cobwebs,
First, I want to encourage serious communication with your partner. I understand life gets in the way, but sex is a very big part of many relationships, and a therapist dedicated to this field would be welcome.
From a personal perspective, make sure you’re in touch with what you want out of sex: foreplay-wise, vector-positioning, and aftercare.
If you both want to have sex, make it spontaneous. Jump his bones.
But don’t be surprised if you both need to get up to speed with each other.
Patiently,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I dont know how to be happy about my life (which is going pretty great) if the people i love arent also 100% chill and happy and absolutely thriving.
Pretty sure i’m just coming across as ungrateful.
I don't want to bother my loved ones by even suggesting that "their struggles are keeping me from just enjoying life," which is garbage behavior.
HELP
Cellar Door
Dear Cellar,
You’re not being ungrateful, but you’re perhaps being a bit narcissistic.
Though it’s coming from a good place.
It’s possible you’re overestimating your family’s struggles, or overestimating your ability to impact them.
When it comes to the “help me not do this” kind of advice, my advice is always: stop doing it.
If you’re not providing direct, concrete assistance, you’re just making their problems about you.
Go focus on something else, dearie.
Honestly,
The Crone
Read the previous question in Edition #100: Our First Centurion
Hi Crone and Daniel!!
Thank you so much for the advice on the older sister- guess what: SHE DUMPED HIS FLAT LITTLE AHH!
I’m very proud of her, and would like to think that I helped.
Just wanted to update.
Thank you both so much!!!
Love from,
Possibly My Monkey
Dear Monkey,
Congrats!
Keep in mind that if they get back together, you can wash your hands of that whole mess.
Glad she’s wised up (for now), hope you’re getting the breather you deserve.
Love,
The Crone
Hi Crone (& Daniel),
I've written a few times, it's been a few weeks since I felt the need to seek some advice.
My boyfriend & I matched about 2 months ago.
Our convo's are great & he's fantastic!
The problem is me.
I get nervous really fast & we haven't gone out on a date yet because of my anxiety.
He's really understanding, I feel bad I keep making him wait.
Especially when we keep sending each other very specific pictures.
I don't drive & rely on others to get around.
Plainly? Autism. Help?? 🥺
Hopeful in love (and lust)
Dear Hopeful,
If he’s willing to wait, that’s great! You can take him at his word about that.
The worst thing you can do is rush into something you’re not prepared for.
It may be a good idea to communicate what you’ll need to feel ready to go out on a formal date.
In that vein, have you taken any time to consider what would make you the most comfortable?
Don’t go based on books or TV shows; it doesn’t need to be a restaurant, or a walk on the beach, or a midnight tryst.
What would be the least stressful for both of you?
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
Met a guy a week ago and had an amazing connection.
I was sure he was flirting hardcore but he drunkenly confessed to having a gf and wanting to break up w her.
We hung out 1 on 1 at his initiative and went to several social events together.
It felt like a date but without anything physical.
He backtracked on breaking up w her for now.
We have such good time together but too many mixed signals.
No intention of being his sidehoe but also can’t just stop caring.
What to do?
Bring it up?
Sandy
Dear Sandy,
The signals weren’t mixed; he’s unavailable and potentially already cheating on his gf.
You’re welcome to inform her of the situation, but I’ll leave that up to you. That’ll be the best way to stop caring, in my opinion.
Drunk words are sober thoughts, and there’s no point in engaging with a man who can’t even stick to his own ideas.
In case you need to hear it: he’s never going to leave her, he’s not interested outside of you being a dirty little secret, and he’s lame.
Directly,
The Crone
