Dear Crone,

What do you recommend when you're 15 years into a relationship and you realize you're the only one who's grown up?

SoLongbutWhatnow?

Dear SoLong,

Leave.

What are we doing here?

Exasperatedly,

The Crone

My first official lie of this newsletter: I ended up starting season 2 of Percy Jackson.

I’m already pissed off at it, and will carve Riordan’s name onto the necessary crystals to invoke my wrath, but in for a penny, in for a pound, so feel free to keep updated as I subject myself to this.

To soothe my shattered inner child, a group of friends and I are rereading the series, and you’re welcome to join.

Ooh, look, a sarcastic 12-year-old discovers he’s very special and learns how to use a sword.

How could this possibly appeal to me?

Crazy that I didn’t know what dramatic irony was when I was younger.

Hey, you know I love a theme!

Do you prefer your Mythology books bright gold and bejeweled? Then, luckily, Ricky has the thing for you.

You thought the Greek deities were obnoxious? Step into Sadie and Carter’s world.

The Egyptians also hit the nail on the head with their whole “concept of the universe” thing.

The gods exist, and they’re fantastical sources of magical power, so long as they don’t burn you to a crisp in the process.

Side note, Moses is canonically a magician in this series, which is still 1000x times better than him splitting the Red Sea with a Beyblade.

You think I’m kidding?

Last and shockingly not least in my opinion.

We have The Trials of Apollo.

It’s like all the YA Greek mythology you love, but with even more closeted theater kid-esque… if that were possible.

Fairly self-explanatory: Apollo sucks, and so is forced to go inflict himself on the demigods of the world, hopefully growing up in the process.

But I doubt it.

Featuring the worst betrayal of his fanbase since season 2 of Percy Jackson and the Olympians, all I can say is read it.

I enjoyed it.

But I’m still pissed.

So come be angry with me!

Dear Crone, dear Daniel,

I’ve been a frequent consumer of everything Valthakan for a couple months, and you convinced me to give romantasy a chance.

But as a side effect, I’ve again become painfully aware of how romantically lonely I am.

The issue is, I just can’t seem to find anyone who would be interested in me.

I’m utterly hopeless when it comes to catching onto signals.

Even my sister told me that I’m too dense to register a woman being into me.

What can I do?

Hopelessly oblivious,

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

If you’re bad at receiving signals, you need to get better at sending them.

None of this “no one is interested in me,” what matters is you finding someone you like and doing something about it.

Flirt.

Even if it’s just for practice.

The more you do it, the more you’ll learn to recognize what you’re putting out, what works for you, and what signals you get when someone reciprocates your interest.

You’re oblivious now, but you won’t be forever.

Also, remember that the major part of romantasy is fantasy. Everything works out because it’s fiction.

Real life requires a bit more of a hands-on approach.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I'm a little confused.

I've always wanted to be a writer, and won a state competition in it a few months ago that I thought made my family take me seriously.

But now they're telling me my writing is basically a hobby, or a joke, and I need to focus on improving my math- which, yeah, is pretty important considering college is coming up- but how do I tell them I want to be a writer, not just a doctor like they want me to?

Not just a mathematician? (I suck at math).

ConflictedWriter

Dear ConflictedWriter,

As a reminder, Daniel did pursue a biomedical engineering degree before stumbling into this career.

He’s not using it, mind you, but still…

When it comes to writing, I’m of the mindset that you need to practice, but have a life outside of it. What I mean is that you don’t inherently need to study writing to be successful in the field; rather, life experiences will make your writing more interesting.

More to your point, if your family is paying for college, they definitely have leverage, but if you’re able to take on loans yourself or get scholarships, I say make your choice.

Writing is a broad field, and you can even find adjacent ones that make use of your talents.

There could also be an in-between of writer and mathematician; those aren’t your only two options.

Look into it more.

Honestly,

The Crone

Crone,

I have been with my lovely boyfriend of three years and found out through a family member of his that he plans to propose soon.

The problem is, I think I’m gay.

I still love him, but I can’t bring myself to have sex with him, and I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to hurt him.

All I can think of is opening the relationship so he can still get his needs met ,but I feel like that would just hurt him more.

Gay and Afraid

Dear G&A,

Therapy, an honest conversation, and then therapy again.

I understand you don’t want to hurt him, but you cannot have a successful relationship if you’re in the closet for the rest of your life.

I don’t want to pressure you if you’re not 100% sure, but if the following thought resonates with you, again, I recommend therapy.

“Everyone has these feelings to some degree.”

“It’s not gay if…”

“I don’t like women, I just find one woman attractive.”

Do you see what I’m getting at here, dearie?

This is untenable, and you need to have an honest conversation before you’re married. Preferably yesterday.

Emphatically,

The Crone

To Daniel and Crone,

I know you will be mad at me, and I deserve it, but a month after breaking up with my ex (and realizing I'm Ace), a guy (whose friend group I'm in)confessed to me.

Me, who didn't want to lose the friend group, agreed to date but I don't actually like him romantically and I can't break up without losing the friend group, my current plan is to wait until college ends then break up with the excuse of distance.

Situationship Not

P.S. I feel bad for being with him without reciprocating properly.

Dear Situationship,

I’m never mad at people who write in; I am simply aware that many problems stem from deep-seated fears, real-life traumas, and understandable anxieties, and that some are completely optional.

I say it with love, but this is the latter category.

I do have good news, though: because you decided to date him, you don’t need to come out as ace to break up.

Technically, you don’t need a reason to break up; a generic “I’m not feeling it” is always an option.

I do want to point out that if not dating him shatters the friend group, and breaking up with him shatters the friend group, this group wasn’t really designed to last.

As kindly as possible, I think you’re overestimating your relationship’s importance to this unit.

Dump the poor bastard, be nice about it, and act as if everything is fine, because it is.

And in the future, only date people if you’re interested. And don’t date people because you’re worried about other people’s feelings about it.

I need a cigarette.

With love,

The Crone