Welcome to The Valthakan Times
Write-In of the Week
Beloved crone and betolerated vessel,
In the past year or two, I have been reconnecting with friends.
Alas, one of these friends has since confessed his love.
Another did so before we lost contact, probably 4 or so years ago, and has brought up dating in several of our recent conversations.
I don’t like either of these guys, and I'm not sure how to interact with them.
Help!
If I had a nickel...
Dear Nickel,
For starters, how dare you be funnier than me in my own home?
For seconders, congratulations on what has to be the second empirically proven magical snatch in this newsletter.
You’re not into them, and you can politely inform them of such.
They may reach out less, but that’s not a negative in the long run.
You want friends who are communicating with you because they want friendship, unless you want more.
Upfront and honest is the way to go.
Directly,
The Crone
Table of Contents
Feeling Gratitudinous
Hi {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}, our Eldritch, Croniums, Old Witches, Faeries, Silvers, Inner Court, and Head Bitch…
You ever want proof that we’re evolving, just look at the list above.
For those of you who may have seen our Gratitude Wall in previous posts, Daniel finally remembered that there’s a website attached to this wonderful community, and perhaps a lovely dedication page is a better way to honor our supporters.
Thus, we invite you to check out the latest supporter page and submit your name to it if you haven’t already! We also have the new recommendations page for people looking for more newsletters!
We greatly appreciate those who joined us for our very first livestream last week. I would call it a resounding success, especially now that we’ve figured out all the technical issues that we were plagued with. Don’t worry if you missed it; you can enjoy the posting here, and be sure to open the live chat panel so you can see who we were talking with. We’ve included some polls below for those interested in catching future lives, so be sure to vote!
As it stands, our bribery has been resoundingly successful, and we’re at 3,500 watch hours in our push to 4,000. Everything you watch gets us closer to that goal, and is another great way to support us!
Seriously, watch everything.
I can’t believe how quickly January has fucked off. Let’s see what lies ahead.
Thank you to everyone who wrote in this week.
Enjoy!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel
The Bribes Are Working!
During the live, someone asked how monetization would change my life.
Certain immediate answers sprang to mind: helping with student loan debt, solidifying my career in this space, or even just supporting plans to visit family.
But the truth is, it is merely a milestone.
I am not planning on stopping anything once we hit 4,000 hours; on the contrary, it’s just the beginning.
Sure, it’s an incredible validation of the work the Crone and I have put into our videos, shorts, reels, and writing, but it’s not the overnight switch some people may think it is.
I plan to continue being the same person you have always followed—maybe with some new furniture—and continue producing the content that has resonated so deeply with so many viewers and readers.
Once we reach 50,000 supporters, maybe I’ll start disconnecting from reality a bit, but until then, I look forward to sharing my content with you.
Daniel’s Current Read
It’s not often I step away from the fantasy space, so I hope you’ll recognize how important this book is.
If you haven’t heard about it yet, the title explains everything.
Jennette McCurdy delivers a poignant, behind-the-scenes look at the beginning of her acting career, the stressors of being a child provider for her family, and the intensely manipulative relationship she had with her mother, who—thankfully, for her—died of cancer, freeing McCurdy to grow and heal.
Make no mistake: it is a happy ending, and a hopeful one. But McCurdy refuses to obfuscate the truth even after her mother’s passing, and that’s something to be proud of.
Roast of the Week: Meta Customer Service
To those a bit behind on the news in Daniel’s life. We are banned from Instagram Live.
Don’t worry, though, it’s not his fault. It’s yours!
Well, technically, it’s the fault of whoever designed an algorithm that punishes users for answering questions related to cocaine or OnlyFans with no recourse. Such is life!
Thus, we are now dealing with an evil that even the Crone shudders to face: Meta customer service.
I don’t know how it’s possible, but I think whatever hiring process they used exclusively picked reps incapable of individual thought.
One would think the ability to restore Live function would be as simple as a conversation:
“Sorry for discussing cocaine, you see, my followers are a tad feral. Won’t happen again, now let me talk to them.”
NOPE
Instead, I’m getting passed back and forth like Trixie Mattel at a West Hollywood circuit party as they refer me to the next fucking moron that doesn’t know what’s happening.
Truly, they’re allergic to creating an app that doesn’t hate its userbase.
“We’re going to keep this ticket active as we assess the issue. Message us any time!”
“How soon do you think you’ll provide an update?”
[This ticket has been paused, message again, and we will connect you with an available agent as soon as possible.]
They’re lucky I can’t message them a punch to the throat!
And do you know what the worst part is?
They’ll respond at quarter to 4am PST, and then disconnect when I do not confirm I’m available to transfer.
Solve.
My Fucking.
Issue.
You ever speak to a customer service rep and realized you know more than they do?
Just… in general?
Fuck, I need a cigarette.
Dear Crone
Beloved and betolerated…
Dear Crone,
I've had a falling out with my work partner, and we are no longer friends.
We used to chat constantly in the car, but now we don't.
She's upset, but I'm finding myself relieved.
I don't want to reconcile, but I'm worried my boss will insist.
Part of the reason we're no longer talking is that she shuts down in any confrontation, so I don't think a boundary-setting scenario is possible.
What do I do?
Sperrow
Dear Sperrow,
If your boss insists, you make up as cordially as possible and resume your life as normal.
You don’t need to be friends, and it’s completely acceptable if you aren’t, especially if she isn’t capable of addressing significant issues.
Maintain your professionalism; that’s the only thing you need concern yourself with.
Get your work done, talk with whomever you need to, and live your life.
Honestly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
My love life sucks.
I'm 32 & a virgin.
I've signed up 4 a dating site & no 1 matches what I want.
I have very little experience w/ guys other than many failed attempts w/ flirting & 1 surprising successful HJ.
That was years ago.
Currently?
Finding some1 sucks.
I got stood up this past weekend, yet started talking to someone new.
I'm both upset & thrilled. The new guy is awesome, and we're having fun getting to know each other.
I didn't tell him I'm a virgin.
But I do wanna sleep with him.
Fed Up in Lust
Dear Fed Up,
If it’s any consolation, finding a good partner is difficult for anyone, and you’d much rather struggle than be with someone desperate.
I think it's best to mention your lack of experience when the topic comes up.
As you said, you’re getting to know each other, and when the conversation turns to the bedroom, that is when you can volunteer the information.
I recommend this because perceptions on sex are greatly skewed by… well… everything.
I’ll tell you right now, it most likely won’t be mind-blowing, life-altering, or heart-stopping; it’ll be fine.
Don’t put pressure on yourself tobe ready for it, be open-minded, as you’ll be learning about each other in real time, and be honest about what you need.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I’m contemplating applying to a math and science high school in my area, and I can’t decide if I should or not.
On one hand, it’ll be a great opportunity for improving my education.
On the other, I have close friends and a great life where I am now, I’m worried about not living at home (it’s residential), I don’t even know if I want to go into math/science, and I’ll be setting myself up for disappointment if I don’t get in.
Do I apply?
If I do, and I get in, do I go?
Anxious Freshman
Dear Freshman,
Apply.
Get their decision first, then make your own.
I think this kind of environment presents a very good opportunity for you, and one that shouldn’t necessarily be neglected in favor of comfort.
Tour the school, make sure you like the surrounding area, and I recommend joining online groups that may introduce you to incoming or current students.
Do your research and vibe-check the place.
But seriously, apply. Give yourself the opportunity to say yes!
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I live with my friends, I’m a chronic people pleaser, and do a lot for them.
I’m getting burnt out and need my space.
I’m looking at a one-bedroom apartment once our lease is up.
How do I approach the conversation of moving out?
They’re very emotional people, and I want to make it out of the conversation as unscathed as I can.
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
“Hi friends, I’m going to be moving once our lease is up :D” is always a great place to start.
Promise you’ll help them find someone to take over the lease if they’re also staying there, and if they break down, I think that’s more proof you need to get out.
To be completely honest, I’m sure they’ll be fine. You’re making a very normal adult decision, and it should be approached as such.
Suggestively,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I just recently turned 18, and no matter what I do, I feel like a fucking failure.
I have autism and some physical disabilities that inhibit my day-to-day life, and no matter what I do, I feel like I’m never moving forward.
I hate my part-time job, I feel as if I’ve never truly connected with anyone, and I’m starting to feel hopeless.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and I feel like the clock is ticking.
I’d love some advice.
Worriedly,
Overstimulated and Underslept
Dear O&U,
Happy belated birthday!
I promise you, the clock hasn’t even finished winding yet.
Let’s step back and assess what you can do.
You don’t like your job; could you update your resume and start applying for a better one?
You’re struggling to connect with people, which is very understandable. Maybe we can consider speaking to a professional to analyze where these struggles are stemming from.
You’re feeling hopeless, and that makes sense because being 18 is genuinely something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but it’s a learning experience you will get through.
You have the means to tackle all of these issues, but don’t overwhelm yourself; start with one.
You can do it.
Gently,
The Crone
