Welcome to The Valthakan Times
Write-In of the Week
Dear Crone,
I’ve been in love with my best friend for years, but the man is blinder than Polyphemus.
It used to be mutual, but no one says anything.
Now we're friends with w/benefits, but idk if I should tell him and take the risk of losing him completely…
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
Friends with benefits only work when you aren’t in love with someone.
You already don’t have him, seeing as he’s free to do whatever he wants.
Tell him, the only thing you have to lose is meaningless sex.
Honestly,
The Crone
Table of Contents
It’s Time For a Throwback, Babes…
Hello {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}, completionists, compilationists, contortionists, and a mysterious fourth thing…
Can you believe it’s been almost two weeks since we moved to our new apartment?
In that time, we’ve set up our pole, the hanging shelves you generously donated, hung up some artwork, such as my emotional support Jinu by @alemonleaf, and arranged the first bedroom we’ve had in 3 years!
In more exciting news, we’re proud to announce our Beam This Directly Into My Skull playlist, showcasing some of our best vids over the years.
Watch it.
Or else :D
We’re officially back on track with our bonus content, so be sure to catch The Questions We Were All Thinking here or on Patreon. Save up to 25% with an annual membership!
Thank you to everyone who wrote in this week!
Enjoy!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel
We have our priorities straight
Hanging shelves and a new throw blanket! With art by @alemonleaf and @hiilanifinearts
Emotional support Jinu
For Your Viewing Pleasure…
Catch some of our most popular bookish vids, Epic: The Musical recaps, and more in our Beam This Directly Into My Skull playlist.
Get your eyes on this.
Seriously.
I know you’re reading this.
Why haven’t you hit play yet?
You have something better to do?
Mhmm, sure, that’s why your dirty laundry has been sitting in a pile in the corner of your room for the past week.
Hit play, dammit.
Daniel’s Current Read
Sometimes, I devour new series with a fury that would make middle school Daniel gape in awe.
Other times, I need to go back to my favorite comfort books and give myself a break.
This is one of those times.
Lindon has ascended to Underlord, but rather than celebrate, he has been drafted by the Akura family to fight in the Uncrowned King Tournament.
Victory means honor, prizes, and worldwide recognition; defeat means he will face the wrath of Akura Malice herself and the fury of Sophranatoth, disciple of the Seshethkunaaz, the Dragon Monarch.
Let’s hope Dross can get him out of this.
Look it’s quite simple, either you watch our fun videos or I stand with my ankle out on a street corner
Roastee of the Week: Musicrat
It’s certainly been a minute, but luckily, both me and the Crone have time this week, so let us welcome our latest roastee: Musicrat!
I’m going to start with the elephant in the room: what, in fuck’s name, do you mean your father stabbed you?
This is a roast, not a therapy session. I ask for information regarding your personality so I can tastefully make fun of you, and you drop this bombshell?
Honestly, says a lot about your social skills, but congrats.
On rendering me near speechless, not, you know, your healthy relationship with your father.
Speaking of unhealthy relationships, I could have guessed the direction things were going based on your favorite character’s list.
Jason FUCKING TODD? You aren’t a mechanic, babes. Fixing people isn’t something you’re truly capable of. I do understand your connection with him, all things considered. Batman has certainly thrown knives at his adopted children; they were just better at dodging.
We also have Dean Winchester in the mix, which, to me, speaks to the above as well as says something unflattering about your deductive reasoning skills. Anyone who empathizes with a character who spends the first seven seasons stunned every time they meet a ghost probably isn’t great with context clues.
While we’re discussing completely missing cues, I see Blitzø is also here, the epitome of ignoring what’s directly in front of your face… like a knife, for example.
You didn’t exactly elaborate on your sexuality, but watching Helluva Boss and putting Magnus Bane on your list of favs did provide some clues. Anyone else thinking of that wiener dog?
Interestingly, you’re our first roastee to mention Friends, and you correctly labeled Phoebe as your top character, or you would have if you hadn’t written “Pheobe”… It’s a bizarre name to spell, but I’m assuming your dad didn’t cut your ability to proofread.
Finally, we have Nesta, which confirms that your father certainly wasn’t in the right, but I understand where he was coming from.
In my defense, you told me that you enjoy beating dead horses…
Of course, we have more to process than just your favorite characters, like your clearly fraying mental health, as shown by your desire to drink straight tequila after a long day. This isn’t even part of the roast, I’m just saying you scare me.
Which is perfect for your enemies-to-lovers fantasy!
Lastly, you showcase some vulnerability in your enjoyment of star-crossed lovers, and your search for found family… I won’t mention it again, but I understand the latter.
I just suspect that this soft side isn’t present when the añejo is involved…
Thank you, Musicrat!
Look, it’s great that you think he’s capable of change, I’m just telling you he isn’t going to
Dear Crone
She speaks, you listen, I drink…
Dear Crone,
I spent 11 yrs letting my former best friend walk all over me.
Our friendship finally ended when I had to start setting boundaries for my mental health, and she took it… badly.
I have so much rage and I don’t know what to do with it.
It’s been over a year, but I sometimes remember another incident where I should have seen how manipulative/shitty she was.
I’m so angry all the time, both that she did all these terrible things and that I couldn’t see it.
What do I do?
HateInMyHeart
Dear Heart,
I always encourage speaking to a professional, but before you take that step, I wanted to say I understand you.
Of course you’re angry, and it’s a good first step to recognize that some of it is directed toward yourself.
You’re still processing a deeply hurtful situation that went on for over a decade, and all you can do right now is acknowledge the anger and recognize that you’re no longer in that position.
You didn’t protect yourself then, and now you have learned enough to keep yourself safe in the future.
Gently,
The Crone
Dear Crone and Daniel,
Sometimes I just want to pack my stuff and leave, even though I have an amazing family, a loving relationship, great friends and everything.
I don’t know how to describe that urge, and I’ve never told anyone about it, since it might do more harm than good.
It feels like I wanna go far away and start anew, but how the fuck do I go on about this?
Love,
Katie
Dear Katie,
You don’t.
You don’t abandon friends, family, and your entire life for a whim.
You’re bored.
Find a hobby.
I’m begging you not to listen to people who think you should blow up your life for some ephemeral concept likely based on a romantasy novel.
Take a breath, go on a vacation or something.
Honestly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I am a woman who is 5'9" and built like a tree.
On the rare occasion that I find a guy willing to go out with me it always ends the same... "I tried to like you but it's impossible."
"I don't have romantic feelings for you (after 4months of dating)."
"I'm not ready to be in a committed relationship; I just want sex."
I asked my friends if I'm unlovable, they all say I will find the right guy eventually...
Do you have any advice for a lonely tree?
Lonely Tree
Dear Tree,
Never doubt yourself because men fail to rise to the occasion.
I promise it’s a blessing in disguise that they’re filtering themselves out before you learn more about them, small comfort that may be.
Do not compromise what you want for the sake of having a partner.
A lot of people love climbing trees, but you might just be looking in a desert instead of a forest.
Brienne of Tarth is hot, and Tormund was feral for her.
Honestly, I’d recommend one of those tall people meet-ups, it’s a great opportunity to meet men who you can still wear heels around!
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
Do you know that feeling?
The feeling you get when you look into the distance and realise your life is 1 big Black hole, and every day is the same and you're so bored that you almost wish a tree would fall on top of you so something would finally change because you realise that it's 1 big circle and we will die anyway and whatever you do wont do anything anyway. You know that feeling?
How do I get rid of it?
Bored
Dear Bored,
There are two parts to this answer.
The first requires me to assume you’re in your twenties, in which case… welcome to your twenties.
The second is that you’ve actually honed in on your issue.
You’re bored, and that’s fine; life is more a collection of small moments than major milestones.
You’ve been doing things by rote, and it’s time to find a project or interest you’re passionate about.
When you’re sitting with nothing to do, what do you wish someone would ask you about?
Start there.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Need Advice?
