Dear Crone,

Your reader, Pole Destructor, asked about muscle aches and bruising.

While I agree they will never go away; I highly recommend trying arnica for the bruises. I have an autoimmune disorder (and am also the whitest of the white clumsy girls) and started using it.

While I will always have bruising in some stage at least it's typically a stage of healing.

LOL Have a Cronely move and a wonderful new year!

It's natural but I swear it works

Dear It’s Natural,

Look at The Valthakan Times moving into the pharmacist space.

We’ll have a storefront and a lab coat before you know it.

Thank you for writing in and caring about the community.

Happy ‘dancing.

Love,

The Crone

Look, I’ll be honest. I’m still on The Strength of the Few, and what with my upcoming move, December travel plans, and this masterpiece, I’ve gotten a bit sidetracked…

Sure, you’re welcome to read the book, but that’s not what I’m talking about here.

I was expecting something hardcore and doomed, and instead was pleasantly surprised to find a tender story of self-discovery, intimacy, companionship, and best of all: no pregnancy trope.

The nice thing is I can talk about this shit now that I’m out to both parents.

Dearest Crone and Daniel,

I've always had a hard time making friends. This year has been the hardest of my life, and in the middle of it, I suddenly find myself as one part of a trio of women who are basically inseparable.

We are constantly connected by call, text, IG, or in person. So how do I stop myself from feeling like I don't deserve it?

Circumstances (and a cheating husband) have me hating myself- can I stop feeling like they have made a mistake choosing me as one of them?

Undeserving Friend

Dear Friend,

It’s okay if you feel like this right now, so long as you continue to act as if you do deserve it.

You’re re-learning what it’s like to be in a safe friend group, and that’s a significant deviation from your previous experience.

Whatever you do, when you feel those emotions bubble up, do not react immediately. It’s important to sit with the feeling and recognize that it’s habitual, and not indicative of your current situation.

You made it out.

You deserve the love you’re receiving.

Love,

The Crone

Dear David and Crone.

Christmas has come and gone, and with it, a mandatory family dinner accompanied by a homo/transphobic comment.

I hate hearing them, and I feel like shit for not speaking up.

The worst thing I'll get from them is an eye roll and some comments. I don't know how to tell them to stop and make them listen.

I am the most worried about my brother (17) who has stupid ideas about gay people and I really, really wish he didn’t.

Do you know how I can speak up?

Sincerely,

Polish Ally

Dear Ally,

Without making light of your write-in, I wanted to congratulate you on being the first person to call my vessel David.

I also want you to unburden yourself—it is not your job to fix your family’s prejudices, and you can break the cycle by not carrying those ideas into the future.

You don’t need to hop onto a soapbox, but if pressed, you can always make your opinions known without having an argument.

“Okay, if that’s how you want to think,” is always a great way to let people know where you stand.

Your brother is 17… meaning he’s cursed with pure evil, and he’s stupid. Honestly, I would give him the time to grow.

You’d be surprised how often one’s mind changes just by meeting an assured, kind voice with a different opinion.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Hi Crone and Daniel!

I am extremely arachnophobic.

Recently, my friends thought it would be funny to find a fairly large spider, pick it up, and corner me with it for 15 minutes while I begged them to the point of tears to leave me alone.

This happened in front of 80% of my grade, and since then, random people have been teasing me about it when they see me.

My friends do nothing to stop it and continuously bring it up just to laugh at me, even when I tell them to stop.

How do I get them to stop?

Chocolate Spiders Only

Dear Chocolate,

I initially read your name as Chocolate Starfish and was confused as to its relevance… supportive, but confused.

For legal reasons, I cannot encourage arson or any such vengeance, but I will say this: you need better friends.

That wasn’t a harmless prank; that was bullying.

I don’t wish for you to be alone, but if this is what it means to be a part of a group, that isn’t worth it, dearie.

Also, find out what they’re afraid of and let us know; we can plot out some ideas.

Protectively,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I can't believe it's only been a week since I left that comment about me being 19 and him being 27.

What I neglected to mention is that he's a complete mommy's boy, and his mother doesn't like me, to say the least.

He's also still not over his ex from a year ago.

He has now found an excuse to cancel on me last minute for the second time.

Do I block and delete, and should I just stick to dating girls?

South African farm boys will be the death of me.

Not-so-sane-ly,

Chaotic romantic

Dearie…

When in the name of the 69th pantheon (worldbuilding), did you think I was going to encourage this bullshit?

Who cares what mommy thinks? The truth is, you need a klap upside the head for this nonsense.

Block, delete, and then give me your phone until you can be trusted with it.

Unless he’s rich and too dumb to sign a prenup, there is nothing for you there.

The fact that he’s a mommy’s boy holding a torch for an ex is negligible compared to the fact that you just started college (presumably) and he’s (despite appearances) a grown man.

Drop him.

Exasperatedly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I had a "friend" who ended our friendship because i had "hit on her in front of her bf and my husband" for context i was making a joke, which i thought was clear, that if my husband the love of my life and her bf fucked up so badly that we left them we would just get married and swear off men.

I have made this joke with other friends, and I need to know if I am in the wrong for saying it.

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

Like all comedy, the landing of a joke depends largely on context.

I have no doubt you weren’t serious, but it seems like your “friend,” as you put it, is either an easily offended person or struggling with their sexuality.

Sure, depending on the individual, maybe asking someone to swear off men with you might not be their cup of tea, but I say no harm, no foul.

If they want to get upset, let them.

This kind of insecurity could also stem from an offended husband. Either way, not your problem.

Honestly,

The Crone