Dear Crone,

I tried pole dancing for the first time today ,and I swear I saw the light.

I’m 90% bruise and pulled muscle.

How do I fix this and get better strength?

Pole Destructor

Dear Pole Destructor,

You don’t!

Muscle will develop over time, as you continue to stretch, attempt, and reattempt difficult moves.

But the bruises are forever.

Seriously, you will never not have them.

It means you’re doing it right!

Sincerely,

The Crone

Dear Crone and Daniel,

My and my bf's intimate life has been dead for a long time.

I'm demisexual; desire relies heavily on context for me, just a 'let's do it' does not cut it for me.

He's not like that, and I've tried to ask him to keep that in mind, he says it's okay and then nothing.

Absolutely nothing for months.

We're busy, I get it, but he sometimes talks about how he wants us to do it more.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm awful at initiating and try, but the timing is never right

Lost and Worried

Dear Lost and Worried,

Assuming you still like this guy, my best recommendation would be for a sex therapist.

You want this to work, and perhaps need an outside voice to help make it happen.

The main issue here is a disconnect among communication, desire, and foreplay, and a professional can help with that.

Approach this with an open mind, as I do not think your partner is being malicious, merely… stupid.

And we can fix that.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’m considering breaking up with my boyfriend because I just moved to a different state to be closer to family but I don’t want to do it over the phone because I’ve been dumped via text and it sucks.

What do I do?

Elaine

Dear Elaine,

For financial reasons, I do not recommend flying all the way back for a breakup.

Just call the guy. Ending relationships suck, regardless of the medium, and it’s better to rip off the band-aid.

Directly,

The Crone

Hello, Dearest Crone and Daniel!

I’m a little over 8 months pregnant, which means this kid could pop at any time.

It’s my first one, and while I am extremely excited (and swollen), I am also freaking terrified.

Childbirth scares me, and so does the subsequent raising of my child, especially in our current situation.

I’d rather not raise a serial killer, so how do I not screw this up?

Expecting But Terrified

Dear Expecting,

The rule of thumb is: you aren’t your child’s friend.

Discipline and boundaries matter far more than ensuring your kid likes you.

So long as you operate with an understanding that you want to raise someone who respects themself and others, you must tolerate them being upset with you.

Childbirth is a bitch (presumably), but you will have a group of people attending to your needs.

Raising a child isn’t easy, but if your goal is to make sure they aren’t an asshole, treat them how you would anyone else who’s experiencing social structures for the first time.

You got this!

Remember: messing up isn’t a crime, so long as you own up to it.

Apologizing to a child isn’t a weakness, but a strength.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone and Daniel,

I had applied to a job where they said that they liked me and was gonna go ahead in the hiring process.

All they had to do was run a background check.

But my 1st job (we parted on really bad terms) is making things impossible.

The job ended up hiring someone else.

When I read the rejection email, I was broke and started crying.

I needed that job to help pay bills for the month, and now IDK what I'm gonna do.

Do you have any advice for me?

Sincerely,

Broke and Unstable.

Dear Broke,

For starters, stop listing your original job as a reference.

I have no doubt that the situation is nuanced, but you can’t expect people who don’t know you to be willing to hear you out.

If you can, put down individuals you do get along with as references. It’s better to have that than a manager who is obligated to share your first job’s side of the story.

Keep applying, and remember that information can be shared on a need-to-know basis.

Don’t volunteer what they don’t ask about.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

My sister moved to my city and my parents have visited her more in the past few months than they've visited me ever.

She IS the keeper of the First Grandchild, but I'm never invited or even told they're in town.

I find myself hurting, whether the exclusion is intentional or not.

I've been feeling like I'm not as close with any of my siblings (5 of us total) as they are with each other.

I'm usually the last person to know things.

Am I being too sensitive?

Your wisdom is always appreciated <3

Black Sheep Identity Crisis

Dear Black Sheep,

It’s entirely possible that you have been picking up on a pattern of behavior; however, you aren’t inherently privy to any reason behind it. Thus, I would hesitate to ascribe a particular meaning.

From your end, you can start by reaching out more frequently, inviting your siblings over, and, of course, calling your parents.

If you’re the last to know, consider organizing plans that work for you.

I don’t think you’re being too sensitive, but I do recommend taking charge where you’re able.

Start with inviting the ‘rents over, and we can see how things go from there.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Thank you for the work you and Daniel put in to help poor, unfortunate souls like myself.

I’m here to ask for your assistance.

I am in my second year of university and let's just say, I'M FUCKING DONE WITH THIS SHIT.

Besides that, I'm also volunteering at a student ngo, and I'm coordinating one of our projects. I love what i’m doing, but I’m always fucking exhausted.

I need some advice.

How do I take a break without letting anyone down?

Yours,

A Romanian people pleaser.

Dear Romanian PP,

To start, reframe this with the understanding that taking a break isn’t “letting people down,” it’s “making sure you can continue to help people.”

Briefly disappointing someone to ensure that you can continue to provide isn’t a betrayal; it’s necessary.

Whomever you are helping or showing up for can handle 24 hours on their own, and if they can’t, it says far more about them than anything else.

People will manage without you there, and you will be better equipped to step up once you’ve had a break.

Take a day off, or say “no” to handling a project. It’ll benefit everyone in the long run, especially if the alternative is burnout.

Gently,

The Crone

Howdy Crone!

(Sorry, this is a long one) I am 31 and met the man of my dreams in my hometown right before accepting a job offer in NY.

Sadly, the NY job didn't work out, and now I'm crashing with my very kind brother until I get back on my feet.

Problem is, I'm still a solid 5 hour drive from my love.

He's a CFO and doing school, so moving isn't an option for him right now.

I technically have the option to move back to be with him, but oh my gods can you imagine the shame?!

Help

Long Distance Lover

Dear LDL,

I don’t think it’s a shame to move back when things don’t work out, but I hesitate to encourage it, assuming you haven’t received a clear sign of commitment from this man.

If he wants to rent together, or get married, or has given some indication of a long-term relationship, GREAT!

Otherwise, I think it’s okay to crash with brother-dearest for a bit.

Obviously, I don’t know the entirety of your situation, but I do not recommend life-altering decisions for the sake of partners unless there is a CLEAR commitment.

For everyone’s sake.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I have a horrible time making friends.

I always put in 1000% of myself into it and am disappointed when I don't receive even 50% back.

Is there anything I can do to not go all in?

It feels really subconscious at this point.

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

Trust me when I say that my vessel has a very clear understanding of what you’re going through.

If the behavior is subconscious at this point, the trick is a conscious effort.

This means you approach any new friendship with caution. Allow them to make plans, to invite you out, to show up when you need them.

You can offer any of the above, but if they don’t reciprocate the first time, don’t wait around hoping for it.

Keep the standards of behavior you have in mind, and if they don’t meet them—whether maliciously, unconsciously, or otherwise- move on.

Directly,

The Crone

Dear lovely Crone and Vessel (Daniel),

Thank you for your advice.

I will be waiting to jump back into the fray.

I figure it is best for all parties involved.

But how does one get back into the field when ready?

Suggestions welcome.

With much love,

HibiscusQueen

Dear Hibiscus Queen,

The trick to getting back out there is to do so without an obligation in mind.

You agree to a date.

That’s it.

All you have to do is show up.

Anything after that is a decision you can make at the time.

Do not pressure yourself. What you decide should be informed by what makes you comfortable.

And there isn’t an exact timeline for that.

Lovingly,

The Crone

Dear crone,

Not advice per se, just a little tea update.

So, turns out I had raging anxiety about my ex, and "talking to him" just meant saying hi and seeing that it wouldn't kill me.

For some reason, I had a fear that that was possible.

I thought I would die. Genuinely.

And oddly enough, I moved on.

Lmao.

Therapy is great.

The point was to face my fears and get to moving on.

And it worked.

Frontal Lobe Finding Development

Dear Frontal Lobe,

It sounds like the development is going well!

Often, the fear of a behavior is worse than the action and reaction of performing it.

Well done on facing your fears and the emotional outcome!

I, and our readers, are so proud!

Honestly,

The Crone

Late greetings, Daniel and Crone,

I was nervous saying anything because your insight was correct.

I would like to clarify though, the years were actually how long each couple was together.

I separated from my husband of 2 years in April, my brother separated from his wife of 6 years in May, all last year.

In looking back, she loves drama and he will bone anything that moves.

Today, I’m much happier and 3 months out from finishing my Masters degree having started a thesis among that drama.

To Be Petty Or Not

Dear To Be,

I massively approve of the awareness of the situation.

If she loves drama, let her seek it out.

If he wants to bone anything that moves, well, best of luck, to him.

Congratulations on almost completing your Master’s. That’s the exclusive thing you need to focus on.

Encouragingly,

The Crone