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Welcome to The Valthakan Times
Write-In of the Week
Dear Crone,
I was romanced two heroes, they agreed to a throuple, but now I'm scared they love each other more than me.
What do I do?
Stuck In the Middle
Dear Stuck,
Find a fourth who is taller than one, and buffer than the other.
Make sure to remind the first two of this, indirectly, as often as possible.
Problematically,
The Crone
PS The Valthakaverse does not take responsibility for getting kicked out of a polycule. Take our advice at your own risk.
Table of Contents
I Need to Sleep For a Week
Hi {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}, flight attendants, con-goers, and people with TSA PreCheck…
As I sit here writing this, I failed to change my flight, leaving me with another 7.5 hours until my trip back to Vancouver.
Luckily, by the time you read this, I’ll be back home and likely still unconscious as I recover from Dragonsteel Nexus.
To those who missed my Romance or Ruin panel, I’ll be uploading that to YouTube within the week, so keep an eye out.
Meanwhile, our supporters are receiving special behind-the-scenes videos! Our first one, BTS | Airfare and Cheesecake, is already available, and our next is in the works. Additional projects will include a moving vlog alongside all of our usual Wanderings of the Crone serials and community Deep Dives. If you’re reading this, be sure to upgrade and take advantage of our 20% quarterly discount or 25% annual membership!
Speaking of, Oh My Gods and Arc 4, Episode #8: Triage will be out later this week!
I also wanted to give a huge shoutout to Aleta and Brittany for their generous support. It is donations, upgrades, and Patreon1 signups that keep us going!
I also recommend continuing to explore our website, dalecsander.com, for easy access to just about every link you can think of, and four or five you haven’t. If there’s something you’d like to see, be sure to reach out at [email protected].
Lastly, I’m proud to say that our Moving Day Wishlist is down to a single crowdfunding! Per some suggestions, I created the Insane Valthakai Only list for those who prefer supporting tangible items, and I owe a massive thank you to Valkeerie, Sasha, and a dozen anonymous contributors.
Thank you to everyone who wrote in this week!
Enjoy, and keep an eye out for more stuff coming to you!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel
Dear Crone,
Please keep Daniel off streetcorners— it’s bad for his writing time
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Romance
Love is blind AND strapped…
Greetings,
Oh, Wise and Benevolent Crone, I have a friend who is going through a breakup.
However, she only dated the guy for four months and is taking it extremely hard.
As the best friend, I've been her shoulder to cry on, but it's to the point where every attempt at steering the conversation away from the guy, she brings it back to him and spends HOURS repeating the same spiel about how she really liked the guy and wants him to miss her, and I'm getting really tired of it.
Am I a bad friend?
LoveAnnoyed
Dear LoveAnnoyed,
You’re not a bad friend; you simply weren’t the one who was broken up with.
You say it directly, “he’s not thinking about you, and you’re putting in too much energy thinking about him.”
You can express your support and your desire to talk about something else. And if she has a habit of over-investing in partners, I always delicately recommend therapy.
An activity may be useful, rather than sitting together waiting for her to bring it up again.
A movie, a beach trip, hells, karaoke even.
Remind her what else is there, and she’ll move on eventually.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I'm a middle-aged mom about to be divorced.
That's a good thing.
"No happy marriage ends in divorce." I've been married for nearly 30 years and have been with my person since I was 17.
I need to be respectfully folded like a chair.
I need someone who can get me off, gel with my DnD crew, and respect my boundaries.
But I've watched my friends do online dating, and it looks like a nightmare.
I'm awkward and terrified.
How do I even begin to find a willing Folder?
Unfolded
Dear Unfolded,
10/10 write-in name, and I can assure you that if your Folder is looking for a sense of humor, you’ll be a godsend.
That being said, I recommend the gym for two reasons.
1) Those twats who preach about “exercise,” and “8 hours of sleep,” and “hydration” are remarkably accurate about this. You’ll feel less awkward, and it may help bring back some confidence.
2) Gym bros are massive nerds and (oftentimes) MILF hunters. I’m not saying it’s a long-term solution, but the best folders can pick you up.
You’ll start slow, getting back out there, and the more interest groups you join, the more likely you’ll find someone with something in common.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Dearest Crone.
So it took a whole year and some, but I finally moved on from my situationship that I was madly in love with.
But he lied to me about seeing his ex.
And now I've met somebody who's sincere and all green flags and all my friends approve.
He's nice, and I'm glad.
Slay
Has a Crush
Dear Has a Crush,
We love happy endings!
We also love hitting cheaters with cars, but very few people can rock jumpsuit orange.
Enjoy your new adventure.
Happily,
The Crone
Happy Holidays Crone and Daniel, thank you for all the content and joy and sarcastic tough love you spread :3
Life Advice
We’ll figure this out together (probably?)…
Hi Crone (and Daniel)!
I’m 16, and have been following you for a while!
I need some advice.
Long story short, my parents have been fighting for a while, and I’m the oldest.
My Dad is super emotionally detached, and I am my Mom’s entire support system.
My therapist says I need to set boundaries, but I don’t know how to do it without hurting my mom.
Help!
In Need of Boundaries
Dear In Need,
You hurt your mom.
Not out of malice but because imposing what you need (and what’s healthy for you) will be hurtful toward the person taking advantage of your lack of boundaries.
Frankly, you should not be involved in this situation at all. It’s for your parents to manage.
Mom is an adult who needs to find other adults to support her, including a therapist as well.
Set your boundaries.
Firmly,
The Crone
Hey Crone!
So I am thinking of fully changing my job and career.
I have worked in business vibes to midwifery, on a scale from one to dumb, how dumb of an idea is this?
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
Why would it be dumb?
So long as your financial situation can survive the transition, and you’ll find it fulfilling, I say go for it.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I grew up thinking sex was bad (thanks religious trauma), and then read lots of romantasy and now feel like we should feel free to be happy and healthy (and that sex can healthily help).
How the heck to enter real world of <3 w/only ACOTAR as guide?
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
ACOTAR is not a guide!
As much as I loved my shapeshifting High Lords, romantasy is first and foremost fantasy.
Like any explicit content, it’s not real!
You are better off going in blind than using that as a guide, genuinely.
Your new mindset is helpful, but set those other thoughts aside for now as you explore what you actually like and are comfortable with.
You can bring the feral play and everything else in later.
Go slow.
Cautiously,
The Crone
From the Cauldron
Brewing Up Goodness!
Dear Crone,
I managed to become the mate of a hot Fae Lord, but have yet to find some all-powerful being/magical item to change me from a human into a high fae, what do I do?!?
What will people think of an old grandma with a 600+ year old high lord?!?
18 and Aging Fast
Dear 18,
Probably something along the lines of “wow, he keeps dating younger and younger!”
If you’re going to hunt for immortality, I always caution against Deals with Karkinys.
Seriously, it's a whole story of mine.
Other than that, I’m more partial to children as a bargaining chip than one’s immortal soul.
Mystically,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I just wanted to know where I can find the Branden Sanderson reading order, cause I saw you mentioned that on an Instagram post, and I was really interested in a reading order.
PKS
Dear PKS,
I believe we’ve answered this before, but we love an opportunity for a callback!
Read it here!
Love,
The Crone
Psst! Love our work?
If everyone reading this gave $1, we’d keep thriving for 6 months!
And if everyone gave $0.25, Daniel could afford some new pleasers
Roast of the Week: Radiants
Of course, we’re doing something Cosmere themed! And we’re going to be going down the list to do it!
In no particular order…
Windrunner — How will you get through your day if you don’t have something that was entirely out of your control to beat yourself up over? You need a shot, but I’m worried the relaxation that may bring will unravel you entirely.
Lightweaver — “I promise I’m fine!” Says the cosplayer three days past the deadline they swore to themselves they were going to make. If a self-inflicted project isn’t driving you to insanity or despair, can you even call yourself an artist?
Elsecaller — The utilitarian option, ironically resonant with people who feel guilty being rude to NPCs. Don’t worry, one day you’ll throw that punch and both the Crone and Daniel will provide the alibi.
Dustbringer — Those with the most positive outlook on therapy, and thank the Shards (worldbuilding) because you need it badly. We love self-mastery, but we don’t love the look in your eyes when you see something on fire.
Truthwatcher — “I found his home address, wife, and place of work,” the Truthwatcher declares after her friend said the guy she was talking to didn’t have Instagram. We love your PI skills, but we know you torment yourself with arbitrary information. Breathe child.
Bondsmith — If I’m just like you guys were a person. Look at me, social butterfly war criminal, and tech whiz, and whatever-the-Braize is going to happen with the Nightwatcher. Pride we can handle, false humility is a gag.
Skybreaker — IDK what spectrum you’re on, but it’s okay to take things metaphorically, babes.
Willshapers — Burning the candle at both ends and adding like three more just to fizzle out faster.
Stonewards — You’re cool, my guy, don’t get me wrong, but I know you’d strum a guitar at a party.
Edgedancers — She’s beauty, she’s grace, she still torments herself with the memories of that time she tripped down the stairs in high school, and while she’s working through it, she wants confirmation that nobody remembers.
You want to bone any of them…
Oh, you think you can fix them, huh?
Babes, why are we lying? You’re going to make them so much worse, and I’d bet good spheres you’ll end up swearing an oath or two yourself by the time it’s done.
Should We Roast Mistings Next?
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