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Proceeds go to world hopping and therapy.
A Hop, a Skip, and a Deathdrop Before August
Hello Valthakai, girlypops, otterpops, and people who once accidentally mass responded to an email and still cringe over itโฆ
We are officially in Julyโs final days! Now normally posts go out on the beginning of the month, but ever since shifting to weekly publishing, weโll occasionally stumble into the death throes of the previous Gregorian instead of the glorious newborn that is the coming one.
Despite the Croneโs incredible abilities with time based magics, it continues to slip away from me as we continue to improve our services and content.
To our thousands of new subscribers, WELCOME. It is a pleasure to have you here as we grow, and I hope you take some time to check out previous editions, our book recommendations, Dear Crone advice column, and more.
Lastly, we have upgraded our promotional offerings, now available through the Passionfroot link below. Have your work seen in The Valthakan Times, on Tiktok, and on Instagram!
Please understand you are about to see levels of patriotism as before unheard of as the US takes the Olympics. To the rest of yโall, thanks for showing up I guess? Sorry you have to be in France though.
As always, thank you to those who wrote in for Dear Crone, weโre launching something new at 10,000 subscribers, so take advantage of our referral program if you feel like it and rake in rewards for getting some bitches signed up.
Enjoy!
Much love,
The Crone and Daniel
I was going for a delicate, subtle plug, but I forgot that Iโm dealing with booktok, and their favorite plug is shaped like a fist
Danielโs Books of the Month
by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes
Genres: High Fantasy, Shifters, Romance Fantasy, Still-stuck-in-my-head-11-years-later
Sometimes there are novels that stick with you for years, and sometimes there are novels whose impact amounts to the barest hint of a memory.
The Shapeshifters is somehow both.
I vividly remember reading this series in my freshman year of high school, and while I can recall distinct character descriptions, locations, and a paraphrase of what is perhaps my favorite quote in any book series, I canโt for the life of me remember a single plot point.
Make no mistake I enjoyed it, but youโll have to tell me why.
A standalone consisting of five separate short stories, The Shapeshifters, is sure to stay with you.
by Danielle L. Jensen
Genres: High Fantasy, Norse Mythology, Girlbossed-a-little-close-to-the-sun, Dammit Heโs Hot
I have yet to suggest a book that I havenโt consumed in its entirety.
This will be the first time.
I have just scratched the surface of A Fate Inked in Blood, but if you give me a protagonist willing to burn her hand to the bone so she can bury a flaming axe in her ex-husbandโs skull, Iโll listen.
Drawing deeply from Norse Mythology, Freya is sought for the goddessโ blood that shields her from harmโ and prophecies that a king may unite her wartorn country with her by his side.
Unfortunately, the scumbag jarl that found her has decided the king will be him, even more unfortunately, his son is fucking gorgeous.
Welcome back to the latest installment in Series I Absolutely Should Not Have Been Reading at 14.
Set in a vast urban fantasy collection, The Dark-Hunters represents just one series out of several in this universe.
Join the hottest men youโve ever seen as they swear their unlife to Artemis, guarding the mortal realms from the monsters that have long since faded to myth.
While danger is always around the corner, thereโs always time to fuck.
Gods, goddesses, shifters, vampires, oneiroi, and more.
Whatโs a girl to do?
Heโs had the clap so many times itโs a standing ovation
Lighthouse Mental Health Counseling
Sujay Myers, LPC-A
Supervised by Noel Gonzales, LPC-S
713-885-8648
14405 Walters Road
Suite 865
Houston, TX 77093
Lighthouse Mental Health Counseling is dedicated to adults seeking guidance on their mental health journey.
Meet with specialists in working with depression, anxiety, and PTSD in both individual and couple therapy.
Available online and in person.
Dear Crone
Life lessons from a worldhopper
Dear Crone,
I need help or a real reality check.
Things in my life are really great. Iโve got a good career, great friends, good relationship with my family, and a dog who I love.
The one thing Iโm looking for is romantic love. And recently, my high school boyfriend (the first guy I thought I loved) has come back into my life after over a decade of not talking. Supposedly as friends.
I like to think that I am not an idiot or a fool. And yet the few times weโve hung out. I have felt that magnetic attraction to him that I had when I was in high school. How do I determine if what Iโm feeling is real or if itโs leftover naรฏve.
Logically, I know Iโm not living in a Second Chance romance novel, and yetโฆ
He seems flirty when we hang out.
But I know for a fact, he is recently recovering from his own past romantic trauma (engagement that fell through), and not ready for anything serious.
So maybe he is just trying to feel good himself and flirting is an ego boost?
Also Iโm terrified of being hurt by him again and want to protect myself.
And I have missed his friendship.
Help me see clearly.
With confusion,
Hopeless romantic
Dear Romantic,
Itโs a bit strange to say but you are seeing things rather clearly.
You are fully aware of potential consequences, fully aware of your own feelings, and fully aware of your past.
The question now becomes what is more important: taking the chance or remaining comfortable?
In the grand scheme of things, a high school romance is cute but not indicative of the potential here.
You are both adults, with years more experience, and while the giddiness is there, I donโt think itโs necessarily leftover naivete.
Being cautious of his own issues is always smart, but youโre more than able to simply see how things go.
Relationships blossom over time, and there is nothing to say that you cannot enjoy his company until youโre both ready for more.
The risk of being hurt is an intrinsic part of looking for romance, but you canโt let the fear of that rule you.
You donโt need to propose by tomorrow, you can just show up.
Frankly, regardless of his intentions you can always be clear in yours, and handle his response to them accordingly.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
If my roommate is my ex boyfriend, but he still tells me he loves me, should I feel bad for accepting an offer of a date from another person?
We've been broken up for months and living as friends.
Messily,
Wicked Witch
Dear Wicked Witch,
Why in Hecateโs myriad crossroads are you living with a man pining for you whose feelings you donโt reciprocate?
You absolutely should not feel bad about exploring your other options, but he will be entitled to his feelings about itโฆ it just may damage the friendship.
Honestly if it were him writing in Iโd tell him to move out.
For your case I say do whatever you want but be aware that the longevity of the friendship isnโt feasible in the face of his feelings and proximity.
Honestly,
The Crone
Dear Croney,
You are my Idol.
I have started to write a novel and am wondering what tropes I should definitely include?
The pregnancy trope is unfortunately non-negotiable (itโs historical fiction and they banged like rabbits)
Gaggingly yours,
Not My Day Job
Dear NMDJ,
While I must grit my teeth in agony over your inclusion of the pregnancy trope, your logic is unfortunately without fault.
In terms of what you must include, make sure thereโs a handsome warrior with an axe that the FMC canโt stand in the beginning.
They will fall in love, and he will ultimately betray her. So she fucks his brother instead!
There has to be a homecoming scene as well, where our hero/ine returns battle scarred and weary, desperate for some recognition from the people they left behind.
Only to get treated the same way, and realize they didnโt need such small minded approval in the first place.
Best of luck!
Sincerely,
The Crone
Dearest Crone,
My life just seems to be going further and further downhill and I have no clue what to do. I'm stuck working as a cashier for minimum wage to help pay my college tuition.
As for college, I just recently had to change my major and I am seriously behind with a fear of flunking. All of this which my parents, whom I still reside with, do not know about.
I am still stuck in their house with no hopes of escaping their clutches any time soon.
I'll be twenty in a few days and I fear what the future may hold for me. Any advice on how I can keep going?
Sadly,
Becca the Broken
Dear Becca,
This is a very difficult situation that I must stress will only cause more issues if you try to handle it alone.
If your parents are not people you can turn to, I would highly recommend seeing what mental health resources your university provides you with.
Additionally, it may be a good idea to discuss with your department faculty and major advisor on ways to balance your schedule, or even coordinate some time off.
The surest way to burn out is to continue with what is unsustainable for you.
Tackle what you can in terms of scheduling for both work and school, and look into work-study programs and scholarships to ease that financial burden as well.
Deep breath.
One day at a time.
You can do this.
Love,
the Crone
Dear Crone,
I have been exclusively seeing an individual for 2 yrs, he sleeps over, we hang out all the time.
We are dating (right?) but he refuses to call it that.
Do I let it go or force some convo?
ChattyCathy
Dear ChattyCathy,
Fuck. This. Man.
Metaphorically I mean because doing it physically has clearly been a waste of time.
He doesnโt want to call it dating? Well then you donโt want to call him period.
You can have a conversation, frankly I always encourage it.
But his reasoning is unlikely to be anything meaningful, and will probably be geared towards you accepting the situation as it isโฆ which you clearly donโt.
Do you really want someone who needs to be coerced into saying youโre dating?
Sassily,
The Crone
Dear ChattyCathy,
Heโs fucking someone else.1
If heโs this adamant about being technically single, he wants to be single.
Drop his ass,
Daniel
Dear Crone,
I need to know what you use on your hair, it looks amazing, do you use anything in particular or is it just a male thing?
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Allow me to turn this over to my vessel.
Sulfate freely,
The Crone
Dear Anonymous,
I cowash mainly, and after wetting my hair > wet brush > curl cream/scalp oil> wet brush > mousse > crunch and style.
I use any of the products here.
Voluminously,
Daniel
Need Advice?
My dream for you is simple my child, my child
Please do try to understand.
Iโve given you choices, and left you with freedom
Now youโre at the beginning again
The Hard Covers
Reconciling Fantasy with Our Reality
Live Action Book Covers
Weโve all had this happen to us.
Maybe youโre an E-reader, or a book borrower, or audiobook consumer.
Either way, this book in question has passed the test, and earned the most glorious prize: a physical place on your bookshelf.
You run into one of likeโฆ three remaining bookstores, none of which sponsor me so take your pick, no free shoutouts.
You can navigate blindfolded at this point, making your way to the exact shelf your new love will be waiting for you to purchase.
But itโs been ruined.
Rather than a gorgeous symbol, representative of a deeply fleshed out fantasy culture, or a roaring dragon, Hollywoodโs latest White Twink Boy of the Month mews at you from the coverโฆ whatโs worse is they didnโt include Kiera Knightley so whatโs the fucking point?
It is genuinely, one of the most heinous things you can do to a series, corrupting the readerโs imagination with whichever nepotist manage to coast through an audition.
G-d forbid you hire an ARTIST to accurately depict a character and slap them on the front page, instead Iโm stuck dealing with someone my mother thinks is hot.
I have long held the belief that a characterโs description shouldnโt get in the way of the readerโs imagination for the scene, but forcing a real person into that is even more offensive!
The lack of a consistent visual media in literature is a purposeful allowance given to the reader to help create the world. I donโt need to think about whichever out-of-touch celebrity is earning millions in royalties from paperbacks.
So what do you think?
How do you feel about live action film posters being used as book covers?
Some Sneaky Linksโฆ
Whatever will the Ton think?
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1ย ย Divination is not an exact art, plan accordingly
