Welcome to The Valthakan Times
Write-In of the Week
Dearest Crone and Daniel,
I am about 19k words deep on a dark romance novel that I hope to get published someday.
After realizing that I can, in fact, write novel-length works, I'm pursuing this one with all my might.
But, I am a teacher. I can NOT publish under my real name.
How does one come up with a good pen name? Any suggestions? Many Thanks!
Need a Secret Identity… BAD!
Dear Secret,
We can always go with the stripper rule: the name of your first pet + the street you live on.
That’s how I took to the stage as Ekthyriock, the Soul Devourer Davie, the most shockingly named stripper across the known worlds.
Other than that, we can go with the Thedas option:
Need a Secret Identity
Needasec Retidentity
Needa Tiden
Nauda Tyden
There, use that!
Helpfully,
The Crone
Table of Contents
How You Doing, Partner?…
What’s up {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}, flat white drinkers, pastry lovers, and icing enthusiasts…
It’s Monday, so let’s get cracking…
Twitch Partnership — We’re so proud to announce that we have been fast-tracked to Partnership status on Twitch! Featuring a fancy purple checkmark, certain amorphous benefits, and bragging rights! Officially, a Twitch employee (apparently a thing?) hopped onto our livestreams and thought we were a great fit for the program, so we wanted to thank the 188 (and climbing!) who have joined us over there and hope to see the rest of you soon. Catch our latest stream tonight at 6pm!
My Roommate the Witch — You think your roommate is bad? Try having a 3,000-year-old Crone who loves opening portals; it’s a lot, even for someone as chalant as Daniel. Check out our latest video now!
New Job — I don’t know if we’ve formally announced this, but we’ve recently picked up a part-time job as a barista! Well… Daniel has; the Crone goes offline for the shifts. But never fear, more content is always on the horizon; we just need to make some lattes first.
Fitness Journey — It’s been a while since we’ve done a proper visual check-in (we have Daniel’s diet to blame), but we’re still keeping up with week #34! We went three times last week, so let’s see how we manage this one. Also, if you’re looking for low-impact cardio, 12% incline, 3mph, for 30min on a treadmill… good luck.
Thank you to everyone who wrote in this week.
Enjoy!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel
Daniel’s Books (and Show) of the Month
Don’t plan on dying? Excellent! Body-snatch your relatives and use your extended lifespan to battle demonic entities that plague the Wilds surrounding your homes!
What… you’d rather be dead?
Unfortunately for House Sapphire, that option is no longer available to them, thanks to the assassin and whatnot.
Seven immortal families maintain a delicate balance between humanity and the blight that seeks to consume them… naturally, things fall apart.
Nothing lasts forever, not even the deathless.
Do you want a show with good platonic relationships?
Do you want a show with great queer rep?
Do you want a show where there’s sex appeal for literally every flavor?
Do you want a show that’s rewatchable at least once a year?
Welcome to the hyperfixation I should not have been allowed access to in middle school (seriously!)
A young woman discovers the Fae and her identity as a Succubus.
Now with direction for the first time in her life, Bo must track down the secrets of her lineage while navigating intense political turmoil between the Light and the Dark.
Come watch with us in the Discord or enjoy it solo!
It’s Not Personal, It’s Grindr
Truthfully, this could describe just about every dating app, but it’s time I run my mouth about this subject because we can all use the reminder.
The gist of today’s rant will be rather simple: not having chemistry isn’t a crime, someone being weird isn’t worth lambasting on the internet, and if you’re going to be rude, be funny.
Within the world (read: hells; worldbuilding) of app usage, few of them encapsulate the pathological drive for instant validation like Grindr, an astonishing system that measures distance in feet (or meters, if you haven’t put a man on the moon).
Thus, when someone taps, messages, or otherwise hints at their interest in you, the “0ft Away” becomes much more charged as you wonder if your faceless, bio-less admirer is staring at you, waiting for a reaction.
Luckily, I’m always strapped, at least as far as my followers are aware, so I never rush to respond, but it’s interesting the way people take it personally.
Throughout my experiences with this underworld, I’ve been baffled by the people who are genuinely offended because they feel entitled not just to a response, but to an explanation for why I may not be interested.
Naturally, this led to an in-depth consideration of their psyche, and I discovered that their lives exclusively revolve around sex. Every waking moment, they are pursuing some form of physical gratification; their weekends, off-time, and holidays are structured around finding and enjoying as many partners as possible.
Now, I’m neither a nun nor their therapist, so who am I to judge them to their face? Hence why I simply ignore such messages when I think I’m receiving them.
But you’d think I shot their parents in front of them, the way they suddenly go from “Hey, handsome, how are you?” to “Fucking asshole loser,” showcasing an incredible lack of emotional regulation and wit, the latter being the greater crime.
Now, do not mistake me; I will happily shoot my shot multiple times. If you’re hot, it’s my God-given right to chat you up, just as it’s yours to ignore me. I’m just saying I’ll never insult someone for it.
Now, interestingly enough, I blame the literacy crisis for a portion of this, as people are barely capable of communicating their emotions in person, much less over text nowadays.
To briefly overshare, I was once talking to someone who, upon giving me a literal single emoji as a response, I deleted the conversation, assuming he was uninterested.
He proceeded to insult me for deleting the thread (the app notified him), and when I clarified that I took a fucking emoji as evidence of lack of interest, he proceeded to call me a boomer.
He was 25.
I’m 27.
I weep for humanity.
The moral here is never assume the person you’re talking to qualifies as sapient, but never let it get to you, because it’s much more fun to share these stories with friends than it is to argue with someone who’d appear as a flat line on an EEG.
Also, don’t let your dating experiences drive you to overshare with the internet (irony notwithstanding); the person on the other end of the phone is still, well, a person… even if I would sacrifice them in a heartbeat if it would bring back Joan Rivers.
Let sleeping dragons and weirdos lie, and keep hunting for the person worth your time.
… I doubt they’re on an app, truthfully, but hey, it doesn’t hurt to check!
Dear Crone
An Advice Column
Dear Crone,
How do you deal with crippling loneliness?
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
The first part of the answer is rather obvious if you’ve been reading my column for any length of time: therapy.
The second part is to change anything about your current routine.
Get outside, and do something simple that you wouldn’t normally, something that lets you have a conversation with another person, even if it’s just small talk.
Loneliness is very real, but it can be temporary.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
So I have this person in my building who literally copies me to the point i’m like actually debating faking plastic surgery as a gotcha.
I know it sounds mean, but this person is copying my clothes, hairstyle, talking style, mental health, which is very insane.
Please help
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
How… does this affect you?
Genuinely, how frequently do you see this person?
Is it possible, to any degree, that perhaps you’re thinking about yourself too much?
Look, if they’re weirding you out, don’t discount that feeling. If they’re being directly inappropriate, keep records of those incidents.
But to assess this properly, I need to know what your interactions are like.
So far it just sounds like you’re bumping into someone similar to you.
Honestly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
Dating advice?
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
Dating takes practice; there’s no way to do it so poorly that you kill someone (for the most part).
Approach it like you would any other situation that you don’t excel in; everything is a win when the goal is experience.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Hi Daniel, Hi Crone,
Had a rough weekend; need some of your sweet common sense...
I met this guy on Facebook, he seemed super sweet, we had a wonderful first date.
I was always clear that I don't have much experience with dating and to be patient with me.
Anyway, after this date where we kissed, I thought we might be in the right position to ask him a favor. Well, he refused. I asked if I upset him, and he kept denying it, but I felt he went cold...
Anyway we went on another date, and it was fantastic, even though I kept my intimacy for myself, even if he wanted to.
But the day after he was upset again, that I didn't care enough, and I wasn't caring enough, even though he kept insisting we weren't a couple.
I dumped his ass, and I need validation, because it was my first attempt after many many years, and it was cool having some to smooch, I already miss that part.
Thank you for reading me
Imanidiot
Dear Imanidiot,
I’m… very confused here.
It seems as though you’ve run aground on two separate issues.
First, his apparent impatience with your boundaries—you did nothing wrong there, and maintaining them was the correct thing to do.
Second, depending on the favor in question, you may have been out of line.
Are we talking about helping you move, driving you to the airport, or running an errand together?
Either way, probably not the best idea to end a first date with a chore request.
Neither here nor there, but given that he insisted you weren’t a couple, who cares?
A simple “no” on his part sufficed, so… no harm, no foul?
Shrugs,
The Crone
