Dear Crone,

What is your hair routine cause I have serious hair envy?

Curlywirly

Dear Curlywirl,

It’s quite simple:

Wet hair > Wetbrush > Gel > Brush > Cream > Brush > Mousse > SCRUNCH.

The general rule of thumb is that whatever you incorporate into your hair routine should be from heaviest substances to lightest.

Whirl-ily,

The Crone

Crone,

Do I set love as a goal?

It's been 7 years since my last relationship.

I've built a career and started financing a house, I have had so much fun in the mean time but have never felt close to falling in love again?

Has my heart just withered and died in the in-between am I unable to fall in love again or should I just set it as a next goal to achieve or is this shallow?

I've met such amazing men and women who have wanted to build something with me and my heart remains asleep.

Jack of Hearts

Dear Jack,

I think what you’re describing is standards, dearie.

Annoying, filtering, useful standards.

You can absolutely have love as a goal, but that goal is going to be meaningless unless you’re very selective. Given that you seem to be, GREAT!

It’s entirely possible that such standards can be exhausting, which begs the question: are you interested in some sort of passionate-but-purposeless fling?

No is an acceptable answer, but then all I’ll suggest is to keep looking.

Your heart isn’t asleep; it’s intelligent. One thing that may help is defining this goal clearly.

What does love mean to you, what would make someone lovable to you, and what would you want love in your life to manifest as?

You’re not broken, just understandably impatient.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I'm attending university more than 5k miles from home, and my mother is throwing my stuff away (which were already in boxes and not in the way) without even communicating with me at all.

These include things that might only be of value to me, but also things like a painting I got from my late great-grandmother.

What should I do?

Dragon Lady

Dear Dragon Lady,

If you can convince her to keep it long enough, coordinate with her to pick it up or pay to have it shipped to you.

If she went ahead and trashed everything, remember this as a breach of trust, and never leave anything you value in her house again.

It’s needlessly cruel, but I’m not here to psychoanalyze your mother.

Communication may help in this scenario, but I am guessing this is a very irrational scenario.

Batten down the hatches and just know you can’t trust her with your belongings.

Gently,

The Crone

Dearest Crone and Daniel,

I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month and I feel like it’s going well!

I enjoy the hell out of our time together, but we decided to take things slow.

I’m used to things moving at breakneck speed, and it’s throwing me for a loop.

I can’t figure out if he is also enjoying our time or if I’m just too in my head about it.

Do I just need to chill the hell out and let it take its natural course?

Or should I say something?

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

If things are going well, I don’t see the issue.

If you want to move faster, then yes, you should bring that up.

But based on your write-in, I feel like you want to move faster because… you think you’re supposed to, instead of just enjoying the calm?

Breakneck speed is called that for a reason.

Crone-ly speaking, I say chill out.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I have had a lot of new things happen this year starting with losing my 10 year high school relationship.

I didn’t wait to start dating to see what it was like and accidentally ended up in a new relationship.

It’s been 4 months and I want to say I love you but keep getting choked up.

I also keep getting mixed advice on when you should say that, and some people have told me to wait until the guy says it first, which feels gross.

How do I relationship as an adult?

New in Love

Dear New,

You’ve stumbled onto a very normal situation, I have to say.

You’re still learning, so the best advice I can give is, go with what feels best, see what happens, and learn from it.

If you want to say it, do so; just be prepared for it to be nothing like your previous relationship, because such things aren’t replicable.

It’s already a good sign that you can recognize advice that feels icky to you, a good follow-up suggestion being to do the opposite.

Directly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I’m going on a two-week family vacation, and unfortunately that includes my grandparents.

While I can deal with my grandfather just fine, my granny is constantly the problem.

Nonstop attempted manipulation (she’s not very good at it), constantly picking fights, blatantly racist towards my mom, and she tries to blame everything on her as well.

What can I do to not flip out during this trip?

Sincerely,

Vexed.

Dear Vexed,

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, you should stand up for your mother; on the other, she is an adult in a much better position to handle her mother-in-law, and she shouldn’t be putting you in that position anyway.

Depending on how old you are, you could attempt to opt out of the vacation entirely, but assuming that isn’t a viable option, do your own thing as much as possible.

Beach, pool, city exploration, whatever gets you away from the old hag…

Manipulation dies with direct and honest communication, so long as you are able to do so with your parents, she won’t be able to fuck things up.

That being said, I sincerely do recommend not going on a family vacation with her again.

Let your parents handle her; you go have fun.

Delicately,

The Crone