Sponsored by
Welcome to The Valthakan Times
Write-In of the Week
Dear Crone,
I haven't dated since my divorce.
Can you give me the kick in the pants I need to get back out there?
Everything my single friends tell me about dating is sad and/or upsetting, but I'm tired of dating my vibrator.
Thanks!
Anonymous
Dear Anon,
That’s the best part:
Your vibrator is polyamorous!
Remember that you can just commit to one thing at a time: coffee, a walk, dinner, etc., without needing to plan the rest of your lives together.
And in-between the good and the bad, ol’ 5-speed will be waiting for you in your drawer.
Good luck!
Love,
The Crone
Table of Contents
Seriously… How is it August?
Hi {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}, frequent fliers, town criers, and the ever mysterious third thing…
It’s August, and my flabber has been gasted. Here’s what’s new…
Twitch Streaming — As part of our new streaming ventures, we’ve created a Twitch account; feel free to follow and keep an eye out for our upcoming schedule!
Four Guys, One Crone — Featuring the voice cast from none other than our Discord, we’ve dropped a new and improved audio version of the popular Four Guys, One Crone short story, available to our Eldritch members.
WTF Were the Creators of Pokémon Smoking? — Our newest long-form video (with a fairly obvious topic) drops today for Eldritch members; get it early and ad-free!
Fitness Journey — We’re on week 29; we’ve already gone to the gym once this week, and we racked up 3 days last week! To the man who suggested a 12% incline at 3mph for 30min, I feel so snatched but also count your days.
Pleasant Day — If you’re joining the celebrations here in Vancouver on August 8th, I’ll be volunteering with my old pole studio! So if you hear a loud thud and a gasp… assume next week’s edition is gonna be delayed.
Thank you to everyone who wrote in this week.
Enjoy!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel
Psst! Love Our Content? Join Dan’s Fans!
Well there has to be somethi— did you say ten-and-a-half?
The Surprising Kindle Hack 15 Million Readers Already Know About
Every day, the ebook editions of huge New York Times bestsellers are discounted to just $2. While most are unaware, readers with the inside scoop are filling their libraries with these deals.
Readers are finding these savings through a free service called BookBub.
It sends you deals on bestselling ebooks – starting at $2. No subscriptions. No monthly fees. Just books you actually want to read, at prices that don’t make you do a double-take.
You can expect:
• Personalized picks based on your reading taste
• New deals every day to find new favorites
• Flexibility to buy from all major ebook retailers
Given a single ebook can cost $15 or more – and avid readers can spend over $100 on ebooks a year – these savings add up fast.
BookBub’s deals are only available for a limited time. Sign up to see what’s on sale today.
Go take a crustacean to IKEA
Dear Crone
THE Advice Column
Context found in Edition #87: It's Time to Relaunch!
Dearest Crone and Daniel,
I wanted to give you an update! (Yes, I was both).
So, enough shit has happened to me (NGL, Daniel inspired me too), so I decided to actually write that novel!
My bf is beta-reading it (gave me a bouquet last time we saw each other, 9 months together!).
For the first time in years, I'm excited for the future!
(Fuck, he looks at me the same as a cat looks a Xmas tree!).
Thank you so much!
Lovefool/Mess in a Dress
Dear Both of You,
That’s fabulous!
There’s a special victory in just making it to the next dawn, and a second one in looking forward to it.
I hope you’re excited to see where the writing and your relationship take you!
Hopefully a 5-star resort with free wifi!
Sincerely,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
Long-time listener, first-time caller.
What do you do when the book series was so good that the book hangover feels never-ending?
Do you choose another genre or just wait it out?
Thanks in advance!
Vixen
Dear Vixen,
I rarely choose another genre unless there’s a gun to my head (and it depends how big).
Normally, with book hangovers I’ll opt for a reread, something I know I love and could enjoy a second time around.
Finding a non-literary form of entertainment helps too!
Honestly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
I am excited to share that I'll be getting engaged to my boyfriend in the New Year, so there will be no awkward holiday proposals.
We have both decided to plan a proposal for each other.
Any suggestions on how I should do my proposal?
I was leaning towards an old-fashioned archery shooting competition for him to hit to show his love and skill, we both do archery in our spare time.
Though I could always throw him in a pit with a bear to see who wins.
Might mean I marry the bear though.
Ready to Engage
Dear Ready,
I apologize for getting to your question so late, but let it be proof that we’re working through literally 1000+ write-ins!
I hope your proposal went well. If you perhaps need ideas for a vow renewal, can I recommend a chase through the woods?
No bow, obviously, but perhaps a game of hide-and-seek? Winner gets to pick the venue; loser gets sexually obliterated to write the invitations?
Just a thought.
Congratulations in any case.
Love,
The Crone
Greetings, Crone!
I love the content and material.
Do you have any advice on how to be less awkward?
I feel like I am not the best at cues and would love to know tips and tricks on navigating social situations…maybe like parties or introductions?
Thanks again!
Glowingly,
Solenne
Dear Solenne,
I have two suggestions:
People love talking about themselves. You’ll never go wrong with small talk regarding work. I recommend letting them bring up partners/children just in case there’s a situation you don’t know about.
Remind yourself that being awkward isn’t a crime.
More to the second point, you’ll need practice, but as you mess up, the world won’t end, and you’ll be learning.
Get used to comfortable silence, don’t torment yourself, and take a deep breath before you speak.
Everything is a win when the goal is experience.
Gently,
The Crone
Need Advice?
Daniel’s Books of the Month
As we continue with The Weirkey Chronicles, Theo, Fiyu, and Nauda have formed quite a strong bond.
Unfortunately, among rampant political instability, giant semi-sapient insects (some friendly, others pointy and stabby), and the nigh-unfathomable presence of a super-being who manipulates people, organizations, and nations for his own ends, it’s hard to find time to relax and just soulcraft.
But the strongest soulhomes are forged in fire, and wherever danger lurks, whether on Tatian, Fithe, or violet Slest, our trio is making the most of it.
Now if I could just find out how to speak in pheromone…
I have to give a huge thank you to Del Ray Books for the free hardcover edition, because it’s time to return to the Empire of Khanum, just in time for one of its most powerful heirs to stand accused of murder.
It’s not looking good, seeing as the blood of the victim is on his hands and he can’t explain his actions, but luckily Ana Dolabra and Dinios Kol are on the case!
If Mr. Perfect-Memory and Ms. Unfathomably-Eldritch can’t figure it out, the canton of Sapirdad is going to riot, dragging the rest of the Empire into chaos and famine.
Nothing is as it seems, and the reality of this investigation may prove beyond even Dolabra’s talents.
Let’s find out, shall we?
