Dear Crone,

How do I legally remove my bff from a toxic marriage from across the country?

Thanks!

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

That fourth word in your question unfortunately ties my hands.

Might I suggest either changing the premise of your write-in or practicing acceptance of the things you cannot change?

Begrudingly,

The Crone

We return once more to the Empire of Khanum (on August 4th, 2026 in any case).

The farming canton of Sapirdad lies waiting to explode, the heir of one of the most powerful royal families awaiting trial for murder.

Blood is on his hands, and his memory is foggy, but if he hangs, the entirety of Khanum may fall to starvation and chaos.

With Dinios Kol’s perfect memory and his eccentric boss, Ana Dolabra, to put together the clues, maybe, just maybe, our duo will manage to keep everyone safe, fed, and happy… minus the murder victim, of course.

Do you ever remember a series that you read when you were far too young to fully appreciate it?

This is one of those times for me.

Only three things in life are certain: Death, taxes, and the Abhorsen to handle the former.

Unless you’re Sabriel, whose father (the previous Abhorsen) has mysteriously vanished somewhere in the Old Kingdom, the land where the Dead are rather notorious for refusing to stay that way.

With bells, sword, and a “cat” named Mogget, Sabriel journeys into a land beyond the confines of the Charter, where Free Magic reigns, and literally anything could be trying to kill them.

Dear Crone,

You made a video abt parents not caring about their children’s education, and I didn’t know how to get in touch privately.

It has gotten so bad that universities are asking their course designers to write at an 8th grade level.

I am one of those designers.

Feel free to get in touch for more info.

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

I’ve never been simultaneously so curious and yet, so undesiring of the information I may find.

That being said, we are always reachable at [email protected].

Our loins have been girded.

Sincerely,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

How do I convince my husband to go down on me?

We’ve been married 5 years and have a child.

We have a loving sex life that tends to focus on his release instead of us both.

He is uncomfortable with the idea of using his mouth down there.

Is that normal?

He’s my only sexual partner and admits he never did this with any former gfs.

He acknowledges that the issue is all in his head and it’s not that I smell bad or anything.

Any ancient seduction tips to help a girl out?

Desperate Housewife

Dear Desperate Housewife,

Is it normal?

Given that he’s apparently never done it before, I could understand why he’s uncomfortable… but this is fairly par for the course overall.

I do have to wonder if you’re performing oral sex on him, in which case you tell him to man the fuck up and go bush diving. Even if you’re mutually unreciprocative, one has to wonder at the willingness to stick your penis in something you won’t put your tongue on, but I digress.

This is going to require some very direct communication, not about what makes him uncomfortable, but what gets him in the mood.

The surest way to get him down there is to make sure the other head is in charge. Focus on making him comfortable, and go from there.

That being said, there isn’t such a thing as a “loving sex life” where only one person’s pleasure is the focus.

It’s normal to want and ask for it, and it may not be a bad idea to speak to a professional.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I genuinely need help making new friends.

Context: I moved from Colorado to Texas back in April (I know, insane, trust me it was for a good reason I swear).

I have had the hardest time trying to find my people, any friends really to hang out with. I've tried posting in groups.

I've tried reaching out to people. I've even hung out with a few people, but nobody wants to put in any effort on their side.

I'm the one always reaching out.

Can you help?

Any advice??

Rose

Dear Rose,

To start, I want to reframe a piece of this, as I don’t want you thinking that “nobody wants to put in effort on their side,” only because they may be making some effort; it’s just not what you’re looking for. Which is okay! It’s not about something you may or may not have done.

That being said, this is usually where I recommend a hobbyist group, club activity, etc.

I’m going to be a bit more direct. If you can, join a pole class.

It’s fun, women-oriented, great exercise, and it’s very hard to be awkward when everyone is comfortable hanging out nearly nude.

Trust me, you’ll adapt fast, and it’ll do wonders for your self-confidence.

Lastly, if you like people, know what you want in a friend, but keep reaching out.

There’s nothing wrong with making casual acquaintances while on the hunt for more meaningful friendships.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I had a dream that you got food poisoning from improperly cooked and stored food on a trip. Ginger tea for nausea and stomach pains, chamomile for headaches, and if you get crampy.

Temu Tiresias

Dear TT,

We’ll side-eye our next meal and have the remedies on standby.

Gratefully,

The Crone

Hello Esteemed Crone and Benevolent Daniel,

I’ve got a weird one for you. Just recently my partner’s best friend admitted to having romantic feelings for them.

They were super close, and my partner is feeling a lot of grief about it, since the friendship ended.

This has happened to my partner with almost every friendship they’ve had in the past four years.

It’s incredibly isolating, and they’ve admitted they feel they can’t have friends at all.

How can I support them through this?

Worried For My Lonely Love

Dear Worried,

Congrats on the gobsmackingly hot partner, but don’t tell them I said that.

Listen, I believe everyone involved made the right choice out of respect for your relationship, but that doesn’t make it any less shitty for them.

They’ll mourn the friendship, and you help by just being there. You’re at least the one person they can be friends with right now.

In the meantime, I say take them out to be sociable if they’re up for it. Trivia nights, beach trips, or anything else where they could have low-stakes interactions with new people.

They’ll make new friends again soon; just be receptive to the grief they may be experiencing.

Gently,

The Crone