Dear Crone,

I'm so close to publishing my first Grimdark novel, and I feel like the enthusiasm from my friends and family is tepid at best.

I just want someone to be excited for me, damn it.

Is-It-Too-Much-To-Ask

Dear Ask,

WE’RE EXCITED, but you didn’t tell us the name!!!

What is the series called? What is the release date? How many hot people with fangs are involved?

We’re missing some vital information, dearie, but we’re so proud of you nonetheless!

Emphatically,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I've recently discovered that I have mentally checked out of my 10yr long relationship and am at a loss of how to handle it.

Long story short, he only finds motivation to do things around the house / help out after big fights or threats of me leaving.

Part of me just wants to up and leave, but I feel conflicted.

This has been my only relationship, and I don't really know how to handle this.

Checked Out

Dear Checked Out,

Allow me to ask one question: what scares you more, dealing with this for another 10 years, or being single?

I’m assuming the answer is the former, and so we break this down into a physical and an emotional component.

Physically, you need to figure out where you’re living and when you’re moving, make sure you have all your important documents, and pack your things (assuming you’re the one who is moving out).

Emotionally, it’s about saying “we’re done” and sticking to it. Recognize that he is going to attempt to fix things in the way that has worked before: by briefly being more attentive. You have to stand firm despite that.

For a 10-year relationship, I recommend having friends ready to help you with this process. I assure you, single and present is better than taken and emotionally absent.

Encouragingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I've been hooking up with someone who is downright sinful and everything you could possibly want in someone.

I'm moving in January, and he likes to travel from place to place.

We've been very casual and open about our "relationship.”

He thinks I'm catching feelings; I think it's the other way around.

It's going to end no matter what, so how do I keep my feelings on lock from a person who is literally perfect for me, so I don't lose it when he moves on?

Sincerely,

Snagging not Bagging

Dear Snagging,

That depends. Can you continue boning him, or do you need to cut things off now before you get even more emotionally invested?

If you can keep riding this ride, it doesn’t matter what either of you thinks in regard to the other catching feelings, so long as you don’t do it, you’re good on your end.

But considering you’re already worried about losing him—and you’re referring to him as perfect for you—you either need to admit you caught feelings and see where that goes (probably not the direction you want it to, based on your description) or go find a new stallion to break.

It’s time to find a new dick-straction.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

Formerly I wrote about being in love with a guy and you told me to find a new big Mack truck for my little garage. I didn’t. It’s a tank.

It’s a very slow and steady relationship and it feels nice.

Thanks, Crone!

Formerly Sadly In Love, now Happy In Slow And Steady Relationship

Dear Now Happy,

I hope it’s not slow and steady in every regard. What’s the purpose of all-terrain treads on a tank otherwise?

I’m literally never wrong.

Swipe his nose like a credit card.

Laughingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I've been with my partner for 3 years and we've entered a rough patch.

To be fair, my entire life is rough, and things with him are not helping.

He has no reaction if I cry, he doesn’t hold my hand.

I’m irritated with how close he is to one of my friends because they now share a mutual hobby.

We're in relationship counseling, and I can agree he's trying.

But I don't want to be stuck here for too long waiting for a change that may not come.

How do I balance leaving vs working on this?

Rosie

Dear Rosie,

You can’t.

Either you’re working on this, or you’re leaving; you can’t be in a committed relationship with one foot out the door.

So ask yourself, does his progress and trying count for enough in the face of your frustrations, or is it a bandaid on a bullet wound?

Only you can decide if the relationship is worth staying, but regardless of what you choose, you have to commit.

Directly,

The Crone

Dearest Crone,

How can I be kinder to myself?

I tend to set unrealistic expectations and standards for myself ( I never set those same ones for anyone else, just me) and get upset and hate on myself when I don’t reach said goals.

I have tried a few different tactics, but this seems to be a mental block of mine.

What should I try?

Sincerely,

Sad Redhead

Dear Redhead,

We’re on the right track with you acknowledging the issue.

One thing that helps my vessel in these scenarios is to approach the “issue” from a third-person perspective.

You heard about someone who has yet to reach X goal… what’s your initial reaction?

Compassion, most likely. Or encouragement. When you feel yourself repeating this behavior, flip it into this perspective and repeat what you’d tell another person to yourself.

Simultaneously—and I say this with love—when it comes to “how do I stop this?” advice, the answer is largely don’t fucking do it.

If you are punishing yourself in some capacity, I’m telling you to stop, but more likely, you’re moping about said goal rather than either making another attempt or recognizing the progress you already made.

You’re an adult.

Life isn’t a test.

Taking longer to do something isn’t a moral failing.

The shoe isn’t about to drop; no one is keeping score.

You’re fine.

Lovingly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I caught feelings for my fuck buddy.

What am I supposed to do?

He confuses me because he acts like he wants something more sometimes, but other times he is just a fuck buddy.

He used to be my friend, but he stopped a long time ago.

I have tried to date, but the guys I have gone out with feel and taste wrong.

Very Respectfully,

Blue.

Dear Blue,

There’s certainly a theme in today’s edition.

Luckily, the answer is straightforward; it’s just a pain in the ass.

You continue to date others.

I do not believe, in my almost 3,017 years, that anyone has exhausted the local supply of men.

There is always another one…

Fuck buddy has no further interest in you, as evidenced by his not even putting in the effort to be your friend.

That’s the takeaway point blank, dearie.

Time to find someone else.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

It seems that your last two e-mails have been formatted into unreadable territory (at least for Outlook).

Love your content and wishing you great success!

Helpful Harriet

Dear Harriet,

Thank you for bringing this to our attention. In our own email testing, we couldn’t replicate a visibility issue.

Would you mind reaching out at [email protected] with screenshots of the problem?

Thank you, dearie!

Sincerely,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I want to move back to my home state because my job is killing me.

There’s this guy back home that I’ve had a lingering crush on for years.

Is it stupid to see if he’s interested via text before I move?

I think he is and I might prioritize jobs closer to him if that was a potentiality.

The issue is he’s super close with my family.

I met him through my brother-in-law, and he spent the last few major holidays at my folks’ place.

I don’t want to make things awkward.

Do I say anything?

If so, what?

Anonymous

Dear Anon,

A few things:

Now I can step off my soapbox. You’re welcome to seduce him, but see if you can get your moving costs covered by your new job first.

Cautiously,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

I had a traumatic breakup almost a year ago, and I’m wondering when it's time to start dating again.

We didn’t date for long, but I really thought we’d be endgame, and we just weren’t.

I spent months hoping it wasn’t over for good and committed to bettering myself in the process.

But I want more for myself than pointless wishful thinking.

As someone who never stops moving in every area of her life, stagnancy is torture.

But I’m also terrified of missing out on something in front of me or behind.

Yearning For More

Dear Yearning For More,

You are going to miss out on things; that’s the nature of moving forward.

But part of being an adult is deciding what’s more important to you.

Look at how much you missed when you were hoping a dead relationship would work out. Things are going to pass you by, but you need to be committed to your goals and to the steps you must take to achieve them.

You don’t need to start dating until you actually feel ready for it, but you need to be firm in that decision.

Commit to the bit, focus on what you are experiencing, or else you’re not going to enjoy any of it.

Honestly,

The Crone

Dear Crone,

A year after my graduation, I'm happy to report that I got my very first engineering job in my own town, which is a blessing and a miracle.

Callmedoc

Dear Doc,

It’s been just over a year since your last message, and we’re so glad to hear from you!

I hope you’re enjoying those engineering paychecks, and please don’t tell Daniel’s mother what you’re earning; she’s upset enough with his career choices as it is.

Ecstatically,

The Crone