Welcome to The Valthakan Times
Write-In of the Week
Dear Crone,
Not advice, but I wanted to ask what your backstory is for how you and Daniel crossed paths. Spill the tea, or in this case, spill the potion!
Sincerely,
A Curious Fan
Dear Curious,
This is actually a funny story, though I always recommend you check out The Tales of the Crone for the really good stuff.
The gist of it is: people rarely perform magic accidentally, but with so many wonders in the world, it does happen.
On Daniel’s side, it was a combination of gin, pole dancing, and a head injury that opened up his mortal coil jusssst enough to reach the Ethereal realm.
On my side, it was a moonlit crossroads, an ancient spellbook, and the realization that the IRS can’t tax you if you don’t technically have a body.
Somatic components on Daniel’s part performed at the exact moment I invoked a shifter deity… go figure.
Explanatorily,
The Crone
Table of Contents
I Caved…
Hello {{firstname_title | Valthakai}}, new readers, old watchers, and the guy who called me a catfish the other day…
Perhaps you witnessed Daniel’s psychotic break, where he finally promoted a TikTok video, and he did it for you!
Seriously… we were flooded with comments asking where he had gone, but we post, like, 3-4 times a week.
Alas, you see what we’re dealing with now?
To those who did hear (and see) the good word and have now joined us, welcome!
Time for some updates!
Latest Posts
Daniel Alexander and the Olympians — We’ve finally covered everything we needed to regarding Percy Jackson season 2. As a reminder, Eldritch members get immediate access to 100+ bonus editions, but if you prefer one-offs, you can select your favorite content from our new Products page. Keep an eye on it, as we’ll be updating regularly!
9 Inches and the Vampire Lord — Our upcoming installment to our Tales of the Crone, be sure not to miss it!
The Breakdown:
@dalecsander So excited to use this feature! #dalecsander #tiktokpromote #contentcreator #contentcreation
Updates
Supporter Wall — We welcome NaomiDTK! Don’t let shyness stop you! You deserve your place of honor on our sexy, sexy supporter page. Check it out for instructions on joining.
Life in Los Angeles — It was snowing when I left Vancouver, and I’m now happily enjoying 80-degree weather for the first time since June. The sun strikes my skin, and I no longer have mental health problems. There is a future, and it is bright!
Wedding Planning — To no one’s surprise, my sister and her fiancé have done little in the way of wedding planning. Luckily for them, we have three stepsiblings who have taken it upon themselves to plan a vacation where my sister can coincidentally say her vows. If they don’t have a venue picked out by the end of the week, I’ll be stunned.
Reminder: Supporting our work goes to future cat ownership plans, being the better sibling, and ensuring I get a pole at whatever venue my sister chooses.
Thank you to everyone who wrote in this week, and a special thank you to SD Gredell for sponsoring this edition.
Enjoy!
Love,
The Crone and Daniel
Love Our Work?
I dropped trou and no one clapped… I manscaped for nothing!
Forbidden magic always comes with a cost.
Lyra is a transformation mage. Feared, exiled, and forced out of her village after her power drove her from the only home she ever knew. For a decade, she wandered the edges of Aethralis, searching for somewhere she might finally belong.
Just as she begins to build a tentative new life in the quiet village of Haleshade alongside the powerful and mysterious Griffin, a strange plague begins to spread, leaving death and devastation in its wake.
Desperate to stop it, Lyra returns to the place she once fled, hoping to uncover the truth behind the encroaching sickness. But the deeper she digs, the more dangerous the answers become. Her search leads her to an unlikely ally: Aldric, a powerful vampire prince whose blood may hold the key to stopping the plague.
A bargain between them should have been simple. His blood for hers.
But Aldric is as dangerous as the magic Lyra was cursed to hold—and the pull between them grows harder to ignore with every step of their journey.
As the plague spreads and ancient forces begin to stir, Lyra must decide whether the power she’s always feared might be the only thing capable of saving them all.
Perfect for readers who enjoy dark romantasy filled with dangerous magic, morally grey love interests, and slow-burn tension.
Fans of The Cruel Prince by Holly Black and From Blood and Ash by Jennifer L. Armentrout will love this dark romantasy series.
Start the Plague and Magic series today, free on Kindle Unlimited, and discover the world readers never want to leave.
Given how things were going, his name was going to be Xook, or Xauthor, or Xrinting Xress.
Daniel’s Current Read
A dark fantasy set in a world divided.
Maevyth bears the stain of the Eating Woods, left on their edges as a baby by a family she never knew.
Zevander hunts a way to break the curse in his veins, and to no one’s surprise, these two things are related!
A bit tropey, and I do suggest you mind the trigger warnings.
But if you’re going to write about sexual predators, it’s nice to watch them get brutally killed IMO.
I hesitate to say it, but I get a very My-Immortal-but-adult vibe.
Will keep reading, and let The Library know what we think.
Roast of the Week: The Algorithm
You may have noticed something interesting about my promoted video: I’m not swearing!
Naturally, this is because people are welcome to sling their shlong back and forth onscreen, but if I threaten to kill someone over my Roomba, I get an account warning.
Thus, I wanted to ensure that if I was promoting something, they would have no cause to silence my video… luckily, I can share my honest opinions about social media algorithms here!
TikTok
I don’t know what orangutans were hired to slam their fists into keyboards, but it’s truly masterful how a platform with nearly 2 billion users manages to exclusively introduce features that make the app worse.
Ooh, a Following page, thereby eliminating the opportunity for people to see their favorite creators’ content on the MAIN FEED.
Ooh, a Creator Fund that has tanked in value because the main users are generating AI voice-over content coupled with Subway Surfers gameplay.
And, of course, the Promote feature, because why would the platform do what it was designed to do when you can pay them to be even less efficient at it?
Hey, you know how when you follow people, it’s because you want to see their content when they post it?
Well, fuck you too!
“Who’s going to see my content today?” I wonder as I hit “Post.”
“Ooooh, it’s a surprise,” Instagram responds as it flings my thirst trap to fuck-knows-where.
Don’t even get me started on their fucking DM settings.
You try to send something from your hidden folder, and it asks if you want to share it as a Story, Reel, or DM. And only once you click three more times can your intended audience see your nudes.
Ridiculous!
I’m merely a prayer that was answered
Dear Crone
THE Advice Column
Dear Crone,
Is it controlling for my bf to tell me I'm not allowed to go to parties or partake in gardening or alcohol?
Like, I kinda understand the alcohol one cuz like we both have alcoholism in our bloodlines, but gardening, like, come on.
He's seen me high once and has decided it’s like terrible.
What should I do?
Kitty
Dear Kitty,
To address your question directly… yeah?
I can understand a dislike for drugs or alcohol, but that’s his problem, and if you want to do one or the other, whether or not he tolerates it is up to him.
I’ll be honest, at first I thought you meant actual gardening. Please don’t feel it’s necessary to censor certain activities; I’m the one who sets the community guidelines after all.
The fact of the matter is, it comes down to whether you prefer doing these things or dating this guy.
Simultaneously, you can argue in favor of moderation if that’s worth it to you, but if we’re at the point where he’s adamantly against this, it’s not likely to go anywhere.
Your values in this regard may be incompatible, but that isn’t a moral statement.
You each may need someone with different interests.
Honestly,
The Crone
Dear Crone & Daniel,
I hope you’re both doing well.
How do you stop fighting yourself?
I’ve been Depressed, to varying degrees, for a long time.
Right now, I’m so tired of fighting what feels more and more like a losing battle.
I want to fall asleep and never wake up again; essentially, just fade away.
Fear of the unknown also traps me in ice-covered water.
Important info: I am in therapy.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Sincerely,
Ember Knight
Dear Ember Knight,
To start, I’m grateful that you’re in therapy; that right there is a perfect first step.
But you have it backwards.
It’s not
1) Stop fighting myself
2) Face the unknown
It’s face the unknown and the rest follows.
Do it scared. Do it depressed. Do it, hating every step of the way and thinking it’s awful.
Healing isn’t linear, or clean, or discrete levels; it’s doing this shit because you want to see what’s on the other side, even if a part of you thinks that’s impossible.
Every day, a little is better than nothing.
And messing up along the way is good too, so long as you recognize it and do better the next time.
It’s okay to lose a battle, but the war is won by waking up the next morning.
Gently,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
My partner of almost 5 years just broke up with me because they couldn’t handle the uncertainty around my mental and physical health.
I'm heartbroken and hurting rn, and I have no clue where to begin moving on from the person I thought I would marry.
Any advice would be appreciated.
LonelyInLove
Dear LonelyInLove,
In instances of sudden life changes, I think I’ve made my opinion on speaking to professionals quite clear.
Ironically, you now have an opportunity to focus on your physical and mental health, regardless of whether your ex’s concerns had any foundation.
Reach out to friends and try to fill your day with tasks that bring you joy.
Continue your usual routine.
Slowly, this will become the new normal, and you’ll be ready to face whatever comes next.
Encouragingly,
The Crone
Dear Crone,
One of my best friends, whom I’ve known for almost 10 years, has started avoiding our friend group.
I have no idea when this started, but it’s been 6 months, and he coincidentally has something else to do every time we hang out.
I’d rather him telling us directly that he doesn’t want to spend time with us anymore, but at the same time I’m afraid that I’m wrong and that it’s all in my head, and I’ll start a useless fight if I pressure him for an explanation.
What should I do?
Mat
Dear Mat,
Instead of speaking to an old witch, ask him how he’s doing.
You can’t get mad when someone reaches out with good intentions.
Maybe it’s nothing, then your response can be “oh, good. We’ve just been missing you, is all,” or something to that effect.
If it’s a bigger deal, you handle it there.
Fights don’t start when you’re sincerely showing you care about the matter.
Just ask him.
Directly,
The Crone
